I am trying to be positive!

The holidays are supposed to be joyous, but for the past two years I have had a hard time finding my joy. I am trying, I really am. I love spending time with my family and friends. I love the joy I see in my children's faces and hear in their laughter.

Still I find myself thinking about the affair. I find myself wondering if my husband is thinking about HER, missing HER, or even still talking to HER. Then I am sad. My heart is still so damaged. I sometimes wonder if I will ever recover. Will I ever be truly happy in my marriage again? Last year at Christmas my husband bought her a gift and BOLD FACE lied about it. This was 3 months after supposed "no contact." It shows the level of trust that he deserves really. I "think" he is in the marriage this year, but when will I feel certain of this? I wish someone could give me a timetable. When will I stop hurting? When will I not cry at random times when I think about the affair. When will the affair fade from my mind. I know I will never completely forget the affair, but does it truly fade with time?

With that being said, I am deep into my Christmas preparation. I love picking out gifts for my children and my loved ones. I never really want anything myself. I feel like I am overly blessed in the material possession department. This year I want peace of mind. I want my husband to love me. I want my children to continue to be healthy and happy. Most of all, I want to be truly happy again. I have happiness in my life everyday, but the sadness is always right around the corner. The affair seems to live on my shoulder.


So for Christmas this year, I am wishing much joy to each and everyone of us that has survived an affair. Whether you have stayed in the marriage or moved on through a divorce. We are all in the same boat and we all deserve some joy, some true happiness.

On a personal note, I am having a pancreatitis attack and could use your healing prayers. I am in physical pain and that seems to allow the sadness to creep into my life even more than normal. I covet your prayers and I send mine you way!

Much Love,