Selfishness and Trust issues

I sometimes think of issues that really bother me and I have to get them off my chest.

Affairs are the most selfish act that anyone can perform. Thinking about my husband's affair and the selfishness involved just makes my blood boil. First and foremost, I think of how much blame he placed on me when he was talking to Mrs. Cheatsalot. As far as he was concerned, I didn't make him happy so he was entitled to have an affair. They spoke about leaving us imperfect spouses for each other. What about our feelings, what about the children you were going to hurt? They seemed to skip over the destruction they were going to leave in their wake. It was all about how unhappy THEY were and how THEY deserved happiness. To this day after 15 months of trying to recover our marriage, I would LOVE to have them both in a room and just slap them upside the head. I wonder if Mrs. Cheatsalot's husband feels the same way. I suspect he does. The truth is both marriages were far from perfect. However, in both cases there was one spouse that felt that marriage vows were sacred and worked to better the marriage. Then there was one spouse that put themselves on a pedestal and walked outside their vows.

Second in my wondering today I think "will I ever feel I can trust him?" He had to go home to go back to work, and I still wonder if he is behaving as a husband should. I am 8 hours away, a perfect opportunity to seek out his girlfriend. I want to believe he is doing what he should be doing, but I still have that nagging doubt as always. I guess he just has proven himself to not be trustworthy so many times, that I do have doubts that he will ever deserve my trust. I gave him my utmost trust when we came into this marriage, never feeling threatened or jealous. He threw THAT away, BIG TIME! There has been 4 times since D-Day that he has proven his self unworthy of my trust and I think my heart is just waiting for the next time. It is a horrible feeling.

There is no easy answer to an affair. Staying and TRYING to work it out is so hard. I stress trying because there is NO guarantee that it will work. Sometimes I think the wayward spouse is just too selfish to give up his or her affair. Divorcing and moving on is equally hard. Moving on from what is supposed to be forever surely rips at one's soul. So there are my thoughts of today, feel free to comment or email me. I am here for you to vent or would love to hear what you have to add. We are all in the same boat here. It feels like being on the Titanic. God Bless.