Hello everyone,
I have not forgotten about this blog or suddenly feel completely whole again. Over the last month I have typed out numerous posts and deleted them. What can I say? Some days the words just don't come to me.
Recovering a marriage after infidelity is so incredibly hard, but the affair is not all encompassing in my life anymore. I have a few days where I don't want to punch them both in the throat. ;) Okay, that was a little spiteful, but it was truthful.
Lately, I have one question that drifts around in my brain. I push it down, but it keeps resurfacing. What have I taught my children by staying with their father after he betrayed me? He cheated on me, told incredible lies about me, and most of all he was ready to abandon his children for another woman. Have I taught my sons that it is okay to be unfaithful in your marriage. It is okay to blame your wife for your unhappiness therefore it is okay to cheat on her? Have I taught my daughter that you can't demand and expect fidelity in your marriage? Did I teach them that betrayal in marriage is to be expected and accepted?
They do not know exactly what happened between their Dad and I, but they know that something occurred. I did everything in my power to protect them from the horrible reality of my life. Total broken hearts are hard to hide even for the best actress.
I think recovery teaches your kids about grace, and mercy and forgiveness. I think it teaches them about being the better person, about what "for better or worse" REALLY means. I think it teaches them that when you need to be and have to be, you can be stronger than you ever imagined. I hope and pray that for us both.
ReplyDeleteHello Grace!
DeleteThanks for commenting. I pray for Grace everyday. Maybe you are the Grace God sent me today. I hope and pray you are right, I hope that everything you said is what I have taught my kids in all this junk! May God grant you peace in your situation also. Jules
The uniqueness of the pain of infidelity is something beyond description and possibly only understood by those who have been through it.you do well however when you describe how you felt/feel.i will never recover i dont think.
ReplyDeleteFlorence,
DeleteThanks for commenting. Yes, there are truly no words to describe infidelity and the gut wrenching pain it causes. I physically felt my heart breaking. Sometimes I'll be at a stop light or some other random place and feel that sudden crushing pain to my heart. I never see the trigger coming, I don't feel it building for days, it just SLAMS into me. I know it is different for everyone, but for me it is like a sneaky freight train. Truthfully, I am in recovery, but I'm not sure I'll ever recover. I have recovered some parts of me and our marriage, but there will always be the broken parts that cannot be repaired. There are days I'm truly blessed with sunshine and happiness and there are some days the dark follows me around. I pray for all of us, marriage is hard, surviving an affair is one of the hardest things a mere human will endure.
Love Jules