Another Painful Anniversary

After your spouse has an affair you will likely have a lot of painful Anniversaries of different dates that just about knock you off your feet. January 11 would be my baby's 1st birthday. I am BLESSED to have 4 babies here on earth with me, but that doesn't make me any less sad to think of my babies in Heaven. This particular baby weighs on my heart because she was conceived and lost while my husband was having an affair with another woman.

I will NEVER forget the feelings that fell over me that early May day in 2010 when I figured out I was pregnant. I have 4 children, but achieving and maintaining a pregnancy has never been a piece of cake for me. Yet, here I was pregnant without intervention and SO scared. You see, I didn't have proof at this point, but I knew my husband was cheating on me. I knew he thought everyday about leaving me and his kids for HER. I knew that he would NOT see this baby as a blessing. I knew that he would not love this life inside me as he should. It is a powerfully sad realization, I can tell you.

I was 8 weeks pregnant and went to see my Sweet OB. He found a heartbeat on ultrasound and told me to figure out what I wanted to do about my marriage. He told me pointblank that my current state of mind was not good for the baby or me. It was a blessing to find the heartbeat. I have looked at a screen with a still heart or a sac without a baby. My entire family was going to Disney World at the end of the month, and my doctor gave his blessing. All looked fine with the baby, and maybe the trip could revive my marriage.

I continued to be incredibly stressed and never told my husband. It was just so obvious that he didn't give a damn about me and would not welcome another baby. I was good enough to have sex with to meet his needs, but I wasn't good enough to love. So with a heavy heart I actually researched abortion clinics. Yep, that's right, the woman who loves her children beyond measure actually thought of killing one of them. It was probably the darkest moment in my life. I was so desperate and scared, I thought of killing an innocent child. I didn't go through with it; It was not something I could do even in my darkest hour. I just started planning on being a single mother of 5. I knew I was done sharing my husband.

At the end of May we all loaded into a plane and headed to WDW. I was so excited. I wanted my kids to LOVE it and hopefully my husband would realize how blessed he was by his family. This did not turn out to be the case. On May 25th ( my deceased Momma's birthday) I caught him texting back and forth with her like a teenage girl. It made me SICK! He played it off like no big deal. I wanted to throw that phone out the window or implant it in his stupid head. The next day he handed me a necklace to pay for when I was checking out with some souvenirs for the kids. He said he was taking her a souvenir because she had just found out she had a disease that was going to kill her. ( she to this day looks pretty well to me). I really just wanted to die at that point. He was having an affair AND he was making ME pay for HER gifts. Can there be a bigger slap in the face?

The next day, I started bleeding heavily. I knew I was miscarrying. I called my doctor and he told me just to watch out for the signs I knew too well that I needed medical help. So I put a smile on my face and headed out to the park with my kids. It was so hot an I was so weak and dizzy. I started to think I needed help, but in true loving fashion my husband was clueless. I was so devastated. I never bothered to tell him about the precious life I had carried 10 and 1/2 weeks. What was the point? He just didn't care. He was in the affair fog that made him believe that all his unhappiness was my fault and Jennifer was the cure for it. Yep, that is her name. I have no reason to protect her.

So the life that I had thought of taking was gone. I to this day feel an unbelievable guilt. Could I have been the cause? Could my grief and mental anguish killed this precious life? My doctor checked me out when I got home. I had a complete miscarriage. I buried that sad proof in my back yard in Arkansas. A baby I anguished over having, now was gone and the anguish was worse than I thought was possible. My due date was 1-11-11. A really neat date for sure, and a date a will never forget. I did eventually tell my husband after I had outed his affair. In true selfish fashion he really didn't even mourn. He was still so deep in his affair fog that really he just didn't see my pain. This baby was a part of him and he just didn't get it. So Happy Birthday sweet baby, I am so sorry.

Selfishness and Trust issues

I sometimes think of issues that really bother me and I have to get them off my chest.

Affairs are the most selfish act that anyone can perform. Thinking about my husband's affair and the selfishness involved just makes my blood boil. First and foremost, I think of how much blame he placed on me when he was talking to Mrs. Cheatsalot. As far as he was concerned, I didn't make him happy so he was entitled to have an affair. They spoke about leaving us imperfect spouses for each other. What about our feelings, what about the children you were going to hurt? They seemed to skip over the destruction they were going to leave in their wake. It was all about how unhappy THEY were and how THEY deserved happiness. To this day after 15 months of trying to recover our marriage, I would LOVE to have them both in a room and just slap them upside the head. I wonder if Mrs. Cheatsalot's husband feels the same way. I suspect he does. The truth is both marriages were far from perfect. However, in both cases there was one spouse that felt that marriage vows were sacred and worked to better the marriage. Then there was one spouse that put themselves on a pedestal and walked outside their vows.

Second in my wondering today I think "will I ever feel I can trust him?" He had to go home to go back to work, and I still wonder if he is behaving as a husband should. I am 8 hours away, a perfect opportunity to seek out his girlfriend. I want to believe he is doing what he should be doing, but I still have that nagging doubt as always. I guess he just has proven himself to not be trustworthy so many times, that I do have doubts that he will ever deserve my trust. I gave him my utmost trust when we came into this marriage, never feeling threatened or jealous. He threw THAT away, BIG TIME! There has been 4 times since D-Day that he has proven his self unworthy of my trust and I think my heart is just waiting for the next time. It is a horrible feeling.

There is no easy answer to an affair. Staying and TRYING to work it out is so hard. I stress trying because there is NO guarantee that it will work. Sometimes I think the wayward spouse is just too selfish to give up his or her affair. Divorcing and moving on is equally hard. Moving on from what is supposed to be forever surely rips at one's soul. So there are my thoughts of today, feel free to comment or email me. I am here for you to vent or would love to hear what you have to add. We are all in the same boat here. It feels like being on the Titanic. God Bless.

I Am Blessed

Just wanted to stop in and say Merry Christmas. It is the time of year that I reflect on how very blessed I am in this life. I have 4 wonderful, happy, healthy children. I have a husband that I love dearly, even in hurt. I have a great family. I am so far away from my family and I miss them terribly. We are a mixed group of siblings and step siblings, but we are blessed to all get along and love each other. I know that some step-families are not so lucky. All in all this is a very blessed time of year for the Personality family.


When reflecting on my blessings, I do reflect on those that have gone home. Yesterday, it was the one year anniversary of my Maternal Grandmother's passing. She was a strong woman that loved and cared for my Brother and I just like a Grandmother should. This will be my 9th Christmas without my Fraternal Grandfather. I miss his so much. I will never regret my standing Tuesday night date at "the king" with him. He and I ordered the same thing, every single time! Finally this will be the 9th Christmas without my Mom. She died so young and only knew my oldest son. She would be so in love with my kids. It hurts my heart that they won't know her this side of eternity. I know that we have 3 very special angels looking over us.

I pray everyone has a Blessed Christmas.

I am trying to be positive!

The holidays are supposed to be joyous, but for the past two years I have had a hard time finding my joy. I am trying, I really am. I love spending time with my family and friends. I love the joy I see in my children's faces and hear in their laughter.

Still I find myself thinking about the affair. I find myself wondering if my husband is thinking about HER, missing HER, or even still talking to HER. Then I am sad. My heart is still so damaged. I sometimes wonder if I will ever recover. Will I ever be truly happy in my marriage again? Last year at Christmas my husband bought her a gift and BOLD FACE lied about it. This was 3 months after supposed "no contact." It shows the level of trust that he deserves really. I "think" he is in the marriage this year, but when will I feel certain of this? I wish someone could give me a timetable. When will I stop hurting? When will I not cry at random times when I think about the affair. When will the affair fade from my mind. I know I will never completely forget the affair, but does it truly fade with time?

With that being said, I am deep into my Christmas preparation. I love picking out gifts for my children and my loved ones. I never really want anything myself. I feel like I am overly blessed in the material possession department. This year I want peace of mind. I want my husband to love me. I want my children to continue to be healthy and happy. Most of all, I want to be truly happy again. I have happiness in my life everyday, but the sadness is always right around the corner. The affair seems to live on my shoulder.


So for Christmas this year, I am wishing much joy to each and everyone of us that has survived an affair. Whether you have stayed in the marriage or moved on through a divorce. We are all in the same boat and we all deserve some joy, some true happiness.

On a personal note, I am having a pancreatitis attack and could use your healing prayers. I am in physical pain and that seems to allow the sadness to creep into my life even more than normal. I covet your prayers and I send mine you way!

Much Love,

She broke "the code"

I have never down played my husband's fault in the affair. He was in NO way a victim here. He made his choice to have an affair rather than work on a decade old marriage. A marriage that had produced 4 healthy children. A marriage that had involved vows before God. He chose the affair. I will never understand that choice, I don't believe I am capable of understanding that choice. No matter how bad our marriage had gotten or how unhappy I was, I am incapable of making the decision to cheat.

Which brings me to the other woman. She was not the "type" of woman I would expect to be an affair partner. She wasn't a single, lonely, well streetwalker. She certainly wasn't a prostitute with a heart of gold (Pretty Woman ..haha). She was a married woman with 2 beautiful young children. This made me more angry than anything. She basically was me in a different body. How could she be so selfish to put her marriage and children in jeopardy just for her own "happiness." Did she even think about how many lives she was going to destroy in her search for happiness? She played the poor poor me card to my husband more times than I can count. Her life was harder and more stressful than anyone else' life. Her marriage of course was more unhappy and she had to wear a "mask" around everyone everyday. No one understood how bad her life was and she could only talk to my husband because only he understood. I wonder if my husband's large paycheck had anything to do with that understanding in her eyes? ...just a thought

As a married woman that is busy raising kids and running a house and working and doing a million other things, you expect other women in your place holding you up and supporting you. You feel like you are all in the same club. I try to support all the other wives and moms I know. It is two of the hardest jobs you will ever have in life. You shouldn't have to worry about the wife down the hall from your husband's office taking a shine to him. You are in the same club...right?

Why do I stay?

This is question is one that has been asked a few times via email. I appreciate that some of you are reading my blog and getting something out of it, even if you are afraid to follow publicly. I understand that my material is not something that you may want to advertise that it interests you. A lot of people going through affair recovery are ashamed. I'm not saying that any victims of infidelity have any reason to be ashamed, but I definitely understand the shame. I have felt it and still feel it on occasion. OK back to the question....

I stay for many reasons. Here are just a few I can think of at this moment. First, I believe in marriage. I believe that when you take the vows, you do it before God and it is not something to take lightly. Second, I love him. Some days I have no idea why, but I do love him. Third, I don't want him to lose his children. I KNOW I can raise my children alone, but I don't want them to be angry with him. They are smart kids, they would know that something bad was involved in our breakup. My children need both of us IF we can have a healthy relationship.

All that being said, there are days that I have NO IDEA why I stick around. I have chronic pancreatitis. It is no fun and some days are just pain and fatigue. Those are days that I just don't feel like fighting for my marriage. It is too hard and I am too tired. Truthfully, I'm not sure anyone that is in affair recovery can point to one reason they stay and work it out. I can definitely see that MANY reasons to just pack up and leave.

Mrs. Personality

I changed the name of the blog to better describe what it is about. I do still see myself as Mrs. Personality. The story behind it is simple really, it is a comment made by my husband in one of his many love-fest emails to Mrs. Cheatsalot. I'll try to quote his exact words. " I will try to call you in the morning while you get ready if I can get away from Mrs. Personality." Apparently they has a daily gab fest in the morning while she was dressing for work and he was driving the 60 miles to work. He kept leaving earlier and earlier so he would have time to talk to her. Her husband was already hard at work so she was free to talk. The morning he was referring to was a Friday that he happened to be off work. He thought I was fooled when he always volunteered to take the kids to school on those days off. I am not stupid, dear. I know how long it takes to drive less than 2 miles to drop off the kids...even if you had to pump gas it does NOT take 30 minutes. I hope you enjoyed your talk.....Jerk. I get so angry thinking of those times. All the phone calls, lunches, meetings, emails, and texts. Proclaiming their love for one another over and over again, while I waited at home for even ONE kind word, text, or email.

The Mrs. Personality thing just rubbed me all kinds of the wrong way. Sorry Dear that I wasn't sweet and in a fabulous mood, MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME. Trust me it is a mood killer every time.