I have struggled with this question over and over again. I visited my Best Friend about 4 months post D-Day and I had a horrible visit. I felt like I had to hide something from her, so I pulled back from her. I have always shared everything with her and I knew if I got too close to her on the visit she would KNOW I was in distress. We know each other so well, I felt like a fraud hiding it from her.
Mr. Personality yelled at me one night because he thought I had told my family. In truth I had not told my family a word. He on the other hand had told his two faced backstabbing sister who not only condoned the affair but wanted to meet Mrs. Cheatsalot. She also was quick to tell EVERYONE in Mr. P's family. She thought they would be as vicious as herself and band around Mr. P. like I deserved the affair or something. She likes gossip and malice that much...classy. It backfired on her. His siblings started calling me and supporting ME instead of him. One of his older brothers sat next to me at the kids' football game and just put his arm around me while I had tears streaming down my face. Mr. P was " at work" during that game and his brother came to support the kids and me. All he said to me was " he is stupid, fight for you marriage he has no idea what he has to lose." That is all he said. He just sat there in silence the rest of the time. He simply wanted me to know that he knew and he DIDN"T CONDONE what his brother was doing to me.
My husband is the baby of 8 children his siblings for the most part still coddle him like he is the baby. He really has the mentality a lot of the time that what he does is always acceptable and if he does something unacceptable it the fault of someone else somehow. The affair for him in his mind was justified because he was unhappy. Sometimes to this day I think he feels like he was justified because I wasn't what he needed or wanted at that moment. Sometimes I fantasize that he finally "gets" that the affair was his fault and his alone. I have owned up to my part in our marital problems, but those problems in NO WAY made an affair justified. I was not happy with him, but giving what belonged to him to another man would never have been acceptable to me.
My sister figured out what was going on, so I did open up to her a little. My husband of course was furious and didn't believe that I didn't actually have to "tell" her anything. To me it wasn't something I really wanted to share, not to protect him but to protect my own heart. I felt like a fool that I had this happen to me and I didn't just walk out the door when I found out. I gave my sister the emails for safe keeping in case I needed them for a divorce. I told her to read them if she wanted. I have never seen a person so furious. If I had let her she would have caused him bodily harm. It made me feel a little bit better, I admit it. I felt like at least someone thought I didn't deserve this pain.
To this day, my sister is the one person I have told. My husband's entire family and probably some friends know thanks to my SIL. I call it selective telling, my husband was fine sharing with people he saw as on "his side." Some days I think it is time to tell my close friends. I think I deserve to have someone on "my side."
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Some days after a year, I feel lost
We are settling into our new life in Oklahoma. I miss my friends and family terribly, but we are all adjusting. It has been just over a year since D-Day one and today is the 1 year anniversary of D-day two. I am battling Strep Throat so my mind has luckily been on other matters today. I will not sugar-coat it.... I.struggle.every.single.day. This is the anniversary of finding all the emails that pretty much blew his "we are just close friends" out of the water.
I struggle every day with the feeling I am his second choice. The mother of his 4 children, the supportive, FAITHFUL wife is 2nd place. It is a bitter feeling I have in me. After the discovery of the emails in September 2010, there were other HARSH discoveries that no wife (or husband) should ever endure. While we were in "recovery" between Sept 2010 and March 2011 I was sure to send him pictures of his children and myself while he was away on business trips. My way of staying close to him and including him while he was far away. I should have known the jerk wouldn't appreciate it. In March 2011, I start looking through his pictures on his blackberry. Not a single picture of me, a couple of the kids I sent him, and DOZENS of pictures she had sent him AFTER the "no contact" was put in place. I was literally falling to the floor in anguish. I am not a very dramatic person ( not at all really), but this discovery literally knocked me to my knees. I weep just thinking of this night. I felt like such an idiot. I trusted him and he proved once again he can't be trusted.
He was literally sweating when I confronted him. He knew he was wrong, he knew I had every right to be devastated. I told him it was either a real no contact this time or I was leaving. This was all I could handle. This.was.it. He was to tell her there was to be ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT of any kind, work related or not. I also wanted him to have her contact me stating she understood what no contact meant. She sent me a rude condescending email saying she understood "my" definition of no contact. I sent her a rude one back stating I was pretty sure no contact means the same thing no matter how you put it. It means NO CONTACT! I knew she didn't take it seriously. She was enjoying my torment. She enjoyed her little game. She had no plans of actually leaving her husband for mine, but his attention made her feel good about her miserable, deceptive self. I was going to wait and see if my husband was finally going to get his head out of his b**t. I knew at that moment, it will take YEARS for me to ever trust him again. He just keeps proving that he doesn't deserve me or his children. No one deserves an affair. There is no one on earth that deserves what I have been through, except maybe Mr. Personality and his slut. I am trying to let go of the anger, but there are some days I daydream about her husband dumping her for an affair partner. He is another person that does not deserve what they were dealt in the marriage dept.
Until the next time, I pray for everyone that is going through this crap. There is a web forum that I have found very healing. www.survivinginfidelity.com .....God Bless you guys.
I struggle every day with the feeling I am his second choice. The mother of his 4 children, the supportive, FAITHFUL wife is 2nd place. It is a bitter feeling I have in me. After the discovery of the emails in September 2010, there were other HARSH discoveries that no wife (or husband) should ever endure. While we were in "recovery" between Sept 2010 and March 2011 I was sure to send him pictures of his children and myself while he was away on business trips. My way of staying close to him and including him while he was far away. I should have known the jerk wouldn't appreciate it. In March 2011, I start looking through his pictures on his blackberry. Not a single picture of me, a couple of the kids I sent him, and DOZENS of pictures she had sent him AFTER the "no contact" was put in place. I was literally falling to the floor in anguish. I am not a very dramatic person ( not at all really), but this discovery literally knocked me to my knees. I weep just thinking of this night. I felt like such an idiot. I trusted him and he proved once again he can't be trusted.
He was literally sweating when I confronted him. He knew he was wrong, he knew I had every right to be devastated. I told him it was either a real no contact this time or I was leaving. This was all I could handle. This.was.it. He was to tell her there was to be ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT of any kind, work related or not. I also wanted him to have her contact me stating she understood what no contact meant. She sent me a rude condescending email saying she understood "my" definition of no contact. I sent her a rude one back stating I was pretty sure no contact means the same thing no matter how you put it. It means NO CONTACT! I knew she didn't take it seriously. She was enjoying my torment. She enjoyed her little game. She had no plans of actually leaving her husband for mine, but his attention made her feel good about her miserable, deceptive self. I was going to wait and see if my husband was finally going to get his head out of his b**t. I knew at that moment, it will take YEARS for me to ever trust him again. He just keeps proving that he doesn't deserve me or his children. No one deserves an affair. There is no one on earth that deserves what I have been through, except maybe Mr. Personality and his slut. I am trying to let go of the anger, but there are some days I daydream about her husband dumping her for an affair partner. He is another person that does not deserve what they were dealt in the marriage dept.
Until the next time, I pray for everyone that is going through this crap. There is a web forum that I have found very healing. www.survivinginfidelity.com .....God Bless you guys.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Life goes on and so do we.
So in mid-July my husband calls me from work. He says " I got a promotion today, I start in OKC tomorrow." OKC is 6 hours away! He just told be the weekend before that he was "trying" to be in love with me. How do I trust him enough to move my precious children and myself away from all we know? Sometimes I think I am TOO faithful. I started packing boxes and preparing my older kids for the move from their school. I have doubts. every. single. day. He keeps saying it is a new state. new start. The only bonus I see is that SHE will no longer be anywhere near my husband. The weekend before had been so traumatic for me, it was like finding our about the affair all over again. We were out of town in a condo with out internet service. My husband has a cell broadband card and set up his lap top for me to use. I am NOSEY! I started snooping and there were all these images of everywhere they had been together, and get this...they were taken just a couple of weeks before. JUST. ANOTHER. SLAP. IN . THE . FACE. He even had a pic she had taken of a movie still picture he had obviously given her. It was a still that I had given HIM as a gift. Talk about an ultimate slap in the face! I regifted your thoughtful gift to my girlfriend...I just ooze class.
Monday, August 1, 2011
D-Day 2 and hundreds of emails
At the end of September, I was still reeling from my discovery. We were working on our marriage, but I felt he was still not being honest with me. I knew there was more to his relationship than he was owning up to during the month. He also refused to go to counseling with me because he " didn't do well rehashing everything over and over." I kinda felt this was a threat. Make too much of this and I am out of here kind of thing? Anyway, my "something is NOT right" radar was going CRAZY.
I am a SAHM, so I was on my computer one afternoon before I picked the "big" kids up from school. I started thinking, I bet he has stuff hidden in his email. hummmm. I knew he had changed his password months before, because I had looked when I started getting the feeling he was hiding something. I had been married to this man for 11 years at this point. I figured I could answer any security questions and change his password. Yes, I know this is sneaky and underhanded, but I had actually set up this account and had maintained it for years. When he didn't have anything to hide, well he had nothing to hide. He had access to all my accounts, well because I had nothing to hide. I am an open book to him.
As I suspected, getting access was fairly easy. I mean, come on, I KNOW this man intimately! Once inside I find HUNDREDS of emails proclaiming his love for this woman. He was saying such lovely things to this woman. Things I had dreamed he would say to me for YEARS. He had given this woman what belonged to me, his faithful wife. I was SICK, literally. My heart was hurting, I really FELT it breaking. Time was short, I had to run carpool, so I started printing the emails. I didn't have time to print them all. If I had been thinking at the moment, I would have just forwarded them all to my email to print later. I was not thinking. I just knew I needed to print what I could so I would have proof. Proof, if I needed it for divorce. I finally started to get pissed. I forwarded him a couple of the really sexually explicit emails to his work email. I wanted to make him squirm. He would know they were from me. He had told me over and over again they were just friends that got too close. Yeah right, buddy, I write to all my friends like these emails...NOT!
I got in line for carpool just like any other day. I had to fake that I wasn't dying inside for the sake of my kids. I was, however, dead inside that day. Mr. P called my cell when I was in line, on a fishing expedition. I wasn't giving anything away. I made him squirm and actually ask me if I had sent him the emails. I was cool and collected when I said " what do you mean? Is there something incriminating in your email?" He was caught red handed and he knew it.
I am a SAHM, so I was on my computer one afternoon before I picked the "big" kids up from school. I started thinking, I bet he has stuff hidden in his email. hummmm. I knew he had changed his password months before, because I had looked when I started getting the feeling he was hiding something. I had been married to this man for 11 years at this point. I figured I could answer any security questions and change his password. Yes, I know this is sneaky and underhanded, but I had actually set up this account and had maintained it for years. When he didn't have anything to hide, well he had nothing to hide. He had access to all my accounts, well because I had nothing to hide. I am an open book to him.
As I suspected, getting access was fairly easy. I mean, come on, I KNOW this man intimately! Once inside I find HUNDREDS of emails proclaiming his love for this woman. He was saying such lovely things to this woman. Things I had dreamed he would say to me for YEARS. He had given this woman what belonged to me, his faithful wife. I was SICK, literally. My heart was hurting, I really FELT it breaking. Time was short, I had to run carpool, so I started printing the emails. I didn't have time to print them all. If I had been thinking at the moment, I would have just forwarded them all to my email to print later. I was not thinking. I just knew I needed to print what I could so I would have proof. Proof, if I needed it for divorce. I finally started to get pissed. I forwarded him a couple of the really sexually explicit emails to his work email. I wanted to make him squirm. He would know they were from me. He had told me over and over again they were just friends that got too close. Yeah right, buddy, I write to all my friends like these emails...NOT!
I got in line for carpool just like any other day. I had to fake that I wasn't dying inside for the sake of my kids. I was, however, dead inside that day. Mr. P called my cell when I was in line, on a fishing expedition. I wasn't giving anything away. I made him squirm and actually ask me if I had sent him the emails. I was cool and collected when I said " what do you mean? Is there something incriminating in your email?" He was caught red handed and he knew it.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
The papers and D-Day 1
My oldest son and my daughter were playing in a junior football and cheerleader league. The practiced 3 evenings a week and played games on Saturdays. The first game was on August 21st. I was in the middle of my pancreatitis and it being central Arkansas, the temperatures were unbearable. The plan for the day was I take all 4 kids to the games and Mr. P would join after he worked a couple of hours. Our kids were in different age groups and each cheered or played in at least 2 games each that day.
Around 1 PM my husband finally calls and says he has to work late and will not make the games. I am STUCK ALONE with 4 kids in 100+ degree heat and I am still pretty ill at this point. I KNEW something was off that day. It was Saturday and work that day in minimum. I found out the next Thursday just what exactly happened that day.
Skip ahead to Wednesday and we are all heading to eat out and make a store run. Mr. P casually mentions he needs to pick up a present for Mrs. Cheats-Alot's 2 year old son. I am furious, but try to not explode because we are in the truck with all 4 of our kids. I am fuming though, Mr. P has NEVER picked out a present for any of our children. NEVER. He knows I am P'd off so he says he will wait until the next day. The next day he spends more for her son than we spend on our OWN children for their birthdays.
Mr. P actually for once takes the older kids to football the next day and I go snooping. I.have.had.it. I find what I am looking for in a notebook he ALWAYS carries, but for some reason had left it at home that night. It was notes about Mrs. Cheats-Alot. Apparently they had a fight on the Saturday of the football game and he was writing out what he was going to say to her. He didn't show up for football because they were supposed to meet at one of "their places", a coffee shop near their office. She apparently waffled back and forth about meeting him and ultimately couldn't get away from her husband and kids. Funny how inconvenient kids and spouses can be to an affair. :) The broken date and fight was also why he forgot about my MRI appointment on Monday. He was too distraught over her....screw his sick, FAITHFUL wife. There were also entries about they were looking at a house they wanted to buy together, and how she was the love of his life.
I was sick and LIVID when he came home from practice with the kids. I handed him the children and walked out the door. I went for a walk on the nature trail behind our house. I had to clear my head before I spoke to him or I would have harmed him. I was that hurt, and angry. I was devastated. I confronted him when the kids went to bed. He tried to play it off. He tried the "just good friends" card. I told him I was not stupid. Then he tried to blame shift by saying I was unreasonable when I was angry. I knew there was A LOT more to the story, but he promised to break all contact and work on our marriage. I should have know there would be more, much more to come. :(
Around 1 PM my husband finally calls and says he has to work late and will not make the games. I am STUCK ALONE with 4 kids in 100+ degree heat and I am still pretty ill at this point. I KNEW something was off that day. It was Saturday and work that day in minimum. I found out the next Thursday just what exactly happened that day.
Skip ahead to Wednesday and we are all heading to eat out and make a store run. Mr. P casually mentions he needs to pick up a present for Mrs. Cheats-Alot's 2 year old son. I am furious, but try to not explode because we are in the truck with all 4 of our kids. I am fuming though, Mr. P has NEVER picked out a present for any of our children. NEVER. He knows I am P'd off so he says he will wait until the next day. The next day he spends more for her son than we spend on our OWN children for their birthdays.
Mr. P actually for once takes the older kids to football the next day and I go snooping. I.have.had.it. I find what I am looking for in a notebook he ALWAYS carries, but for some reason had left it at home that night. It was notes about Mrs. Cheats-Alot. Apparently they had a fight on the Saturday of the football game and he was writing out what he was going to say to her. He didn't show up for football because they were supposed to meet at one of "their places", a coffee shop near their office. She apparently waffled back and forth about meeting him and ultimately couldn't get away from her husband and kids. Funny how inconvenient kids and spouses can be to an affair. :) The broken date and fight was also why he forgot about my MRI appointment on Monday. He was too distraught over her....screw his sick, FAITHFUL wife. There were also entries about they were looking at a house they wanted to buy together, and how she was the love of his life.
I was sick and LIVID when he came home from practice with the kids. I handed him the children and walked out the door. I went for a walk on the nature trail behind our house. I had to clear my head before I spoke to him or I would have harmed him. I was that hurt, and angry. I was devastated. I confronted him when the kids went to bed. He tried to play it off. He tried the "just good friends" card. I told him I was not stupid. Then he tried to blame shift by saying I was unreasonable when I was angry. I knew there was A LOT more to the story, but he promised to break all contact and work on our marriage. I should have know there would be more, much more to come. :(
Friday, July 22, 2011
Let me try to start at the "beginning" of my journey
The summer of 2010 was BAD. I knew something was very wrong with my husband, I just couldn't exactly put my finger on it. I had suspicions and I knew her name. My husband had found a job closer to home at the end of 2008 after working a year on an off shore oil platform. After I survived a year of 2weeks on-2weeks off, I thought our marriage was solid. I thought I had proven my devotion to him and our family. He had a midlife crisis and changed his career of 20 years to work on a platform. I felt like I was abandoned, yet I kept going. Almost as soon as he started the new job, he started changing in little ways. The most noticeable was how he seemed to separate his life into two categories, his life in his work town and life in his home town. He seemed pretty strong about keeping me and the kids at arms length when it came to introducing us to his new "people." At his office Christmas party in 2009, I got hit with the why. He introduced me to HER and warning bells started ringing in my head. She was his new interest...his new "pet project."
As that Summer progressed Mr. Personality kept getting more angry, hostile, and cruel. Mainly towards me, but he also often lashed out at our children for little or no reason. I was deeply depressed and trying desperately to make it right. I just had NO IDEA how. One week in June he refused to say " I love you" to me because we had a blowup over our failing sex life. I kept pushing him and one day he told me he was coming home early "to talk." I was really a basket case, I was sure he was divorcing me and going to "her." The talk was nothing like that, although I asked him straight out if he wanted a divorce and if he even cared for me. He basically just outlined all the ways I was a failure to him in marriage and how HE felt. I, like an IDIOT, just took it. The depression I was suffering at his hand, made me think everything WAS my fault. Now I see more clearly that he was blame-shifting to make himself feel better. I was equally responsible for our marital problems, but the difference was I saw myself as having some of the fault. He in true Mr. Personality fashion saw that it was always the other persons fault.
Fast forward to August and I started getting sick. Not a cold, but major illness kind of sick. I started losing massive amounts of weight, I had upper abdominal pain ALL THE TIME, and I had no energy AT ALL. Finally, I found a doctor that started testing me for EVERYTHING he could think it might be. Unfortunately one lab came back with the possible markers of Pancreatic Cancer. I was TERRIFIED. My husband really seemed to could care less. One appointment for a test, I was so scared. Instead of offering to go and support me he said "maybe your Dad can go with you." I was finally scheduled for an MRI and I asked Mr. P to go with me. The test was on Monday, I asked him the Thursday before the test. Monday morning, he had TOTALLY forgotten his promise to go with me. I found out later why he was so forgetful about my crisis. Praise the Lord, the MRI showed I had Pancreatitis, not cancer. I was one sick lady, but I wasn't going to leave my babies without a Mom.
Next up the papers that changed it all for me.
As that Summer progressed Mr. Personality kept getting more angry, hostile, and cruel. Mainly towards me, but he also often lashed out at our children for little or no reason. I was deeply depressed and trying desperately to make it right. I just had NO IDEA how. One week in June he refused to say " I love you" to me because we had a blowup over our failing sex life. I kept pushing him and one day he told me he was coming home early "to talk." I was really a basket case, I was sure he was divorcing me and going to "her." The talk was nothing like that, although I asked him straight out if he wanted a divorce and if he even cared for me. He basically just outlined all the ways I was a failure to him in marriage and how HE felt. I, like an IDIOT, just took it. The depression I was suffering at his hand, made me think everything WAS my fault. Now I see more clearly that he was blame-shifting to make himself feel better. I was equally responsible for our marital problems, but the difference was I saw myself as having some of the fault. He in true Mr. Personality fashion saw that it was always the other persons fault.
Fast forward to August and I started getting sick. Not a cold, but major illness kind of sick. I started losing massive amounts of weight, I had upper abdominal pain ALL THE TIME, and I had no energy AT ALL. Finally, I found a doctor that started testing me for EVERYTHING he could think it might be. Unfortunately one lab came back with the possible markers of Pancreatic Cancer. I was TERRIFIED. My husband really seemed to could care less. One appointment for a test, I was so scared. Instead of offering to go and support me he said "maybe your Dad can go with you." I was finally scheduled for an MRI and I asked Mr. P to go with me. The test was on Monday, I asked him the Thursday before the test. Monday morning, he had TOTALLY forgotten his promise to go with me. I found out later why he was so forgetful about my crisis. Praise the Lord, the MRI showed I had Pancreatitis, not cancer. I was one sick lady, but I wasn't going to leave my babies without a Mom.
Next up the papers that changed it all for me.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Well here I am,,,,
Hello all! Basically I have started this blog to share my life and maybe get some insights from women like me. You know, been there done that, here is some advice. Let me let you get to know me a little and I will try to update with things I have learned and things I just don't understand. Maybe I can give you some hope with this crazy life and maybe you can give me hope that I will survive.
I am a SAHM of four children. I have been married to Mr. Personality for 12 years. We live a blessed life, I love my husband and my children tremendously. Unfortunately, my husband didn't really agree and had a year(ish) long affair. After supposedly being in marriage recovery for a year, just last weekend I get the " I love you but I am not in love with you" speech. I have had the most heartbreaking two years and I feel like I just want to stop the ride sometimes.
I am hoping to get insights from you guys and tell you what I have learned, also. Basically I am typing my therapy and hoping my life may help someone else.
Love to all..good luck in life.
I am a SAHM of four children. I have been married to Mr. Personality for 12 years. We live a blessed life, I love my husband and my children tremendously. Unfortunately, my husband didn't really agree and had a year(ish) long affair. After supposedly being in marriage recovery for a year, just last weekend I get the " I love you but I am not in love with you" speech. I have had the most heartbreaking two years and I feel like I just want to stop the ride sometimes.
I am hoping to get insights from you guys and tell you what I have learned, also. Basically I am typing my therapy and hoping my life may help someone else.
Love to all..good luck in life.
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