Yep, I have found myself doing it, though not as much lately. I try not to give HER any space in my brain or in my life. When my husband was in the middle of the affair he was constantly on me to cut my very long hair. He said he loved my hair short, he said that he really wasn't a long hair guy. I loved my long hair, but it grows super fast and I like to donate it to a hair donation organization for terminal hair loss in children. I have donated 7 times now. My Mother lost her battle with cancer, and it is a cause dear to my heart. I made an appointment for myself and my daughter and we both donated 10 inches of our hair. We came away with super cute short cuts, and I wasn't totally sad to lose my long hair.
Skip ahead almost a year when I have outed his affair. I come across a million pictures of her on my husbands phone. Guess what? I swear her hair was exactly like my long hair. It was almost as if she took a picture of me to her hair stylist and asked for my hair. It made me sick. He was pushing me to cut my hair all the while his girlfriend had identical hair. What? I have never figured it out. Maybe it made him uncomfortable to have his wife and girlfriend look so much alike. Seriously, even the color was the same as mine.
This just pushed my compare myself to his girlfriend mode into overdrive! I mean I obsessed over how much she was like me, and how there MUST be something superior about her. He wrote love letters to her and they told one another "they completed each other." Yes, that made me gag, too. She had to have something better than me, right? She was younger and thinner than me, so I dieted and became OBSESSED with my age. I have always been comfortable with my age. I feel blessed by the years I am given. No more, I cursed every line on my face and lump on my thigh.
It took me a year to realize, we are no comparison. I am NOT an adulterer. I am faithful to my husband and my family. I may have battle scars from age, but I earned them with grace. I would never put myself so far above others that I would ruin two innocent families. There is no comparison and I am the better woman. SHE actually said to me when all this was going down that I deserved it because I thought I was so much better than her. This was my " Ah Ha!" moment. I had never believed in my entire life that I was better than anyone, but I was better than her. I am far from perfect, but what she did was horrible. She probably to this day feels no remorse. So yes, I think there is no comparison. I am the better woman.
Hey Stacia! Cheers to new friends. I love your blog. Come by and see me again anytime. Hugs.
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ReplyDeleteI can relate acutely to the comparison struggle! It's been 3 years & I can still fall into this trap. I live in a pretty small town & while I thankfully don't see the OW often, I saw her in December at the coffee shop & got really triggered. Saw her again in March (same coffee shop), but this time my dad & daughter were with me, which helped. I've given her sooooooo much of my energy! She was a rebound after he & I split, we were together for five years & engaged. They only dated 4 months before the first break up. He & I started (I thought) a reconciliation process after she broke it off. Five months later, he reconnected with her & that's when the triangle started. I got a call from her on NYE 2014 from his phone busting him. We both dumped him, but she took him back within a week, then dumped him again about a month later, moving onto one of his best friends. Karma, I suppose. I still don't believe she didn't know we were together, I think it was a contest for her. She's dated a few people since then & presumably moved on--so why can't I? A pain that deep takes time to heal. I hate that anyone can relate to my pain, but there is comfort in knowing we are not alone.
ReplyDeleteMuch love & peace to you, sister survivor!