What the Affair has done FOR me

I had a hard time even typing that title. Usually this blog is about what the affair has done TO me and how I cope, but today I have decided to write a little about what I have learned and gained. If you recently discovered your spouse's affair this post may just upset you. I am working off almost two years post D-Day and I know that just a couple of months ago I wouldn't have even been able to type the title. Fresh pain prohibited it, and this process of healing can bring on fresh pain daily. However today I am feeling healthy and strong so I decided to put out there what I have been thinking about for a little while now. Tomorrow, I may feel totally different, but you know I will tell you that in honesty, also.

First off let me say, I will NEVER say that his affair is the best thing that happened to our marriage. Betrayal of marital trust is never going to be the best thing for me, EVER. I did grow and learn from the experience. Foremost my husband and I have a fresh start. Any anger and frustration we had bottled up about each other has been thrown out to discuss. One of our greatest challenges in our marriage is we didn't talk it out, we just got mad and bottled it inside to fester. For the first several months after D-Day I felt like I was walking on eggshells trying to not rock the boat. I finally got over the feeling and have actually found my voice again. If he doesn't love me being myself, I don't want his love. It is about unconditional love for me, I am strong enough to take no less now. I went through the stage of actually being afraid he'd leave me alone, now I am past that feeling. I love him, but I am strong enough to go it alone. I don't have to settle for less than I need in my marriage. In return, I am now open to him telling me what he needs in our marriage. I am better at listening to his needs and either acting on them or telling him what I can and cannot give him.

My husband totally took me for granted. He took that I would be a good Mother and Wife as a given that he deserved. I have discussed that he had a bad "baby of a large family syndrome." Over the past 3 months he seems to really "get" that he doesn't deserve all the things I do in this marriage, he is BLESSED that I freely give it. I finally have a husband that seems to understand that my hard work in this marriage must be answered with his own work. Marriage is beyond hard and I finally feel like I am not the only one paddling against the current to get there. I'll admit that before the affair, I was getting bitter about being the one that always seemed to work and sacrifice to make the marriage work. He used the bitterness (that he caused) to excuse his affair. Now I truly believe he finally realized that there is no excuse for infidelity. Marriage is about trust, commitment, and work. You have to be able to trust each other, commit to the good and the bad times, and be willing to work on the problems between you. Before the affair my husband really didn't do any of those things. Now he is willing to see himself as less than perfect and come into the marriage to work.

Finally, we really just made a conscience effort to enjoy each other and our life. I see a change in him. He seems to finally realize what a blessed life he leads. We are back to being friends again. We laugh with each other and really enjoy our kids together. He had become so distant from our marriage and from our kids. I wasn't sure that he could salvage those relationships. He has worked to salvage not only our marriage relationship, but his relationship with his kids. That has earned a lot of respect from me that he had lost. I hurt so badly when I saw him emotionally abandoning our children. I am so thankful he saw how important we should be in his life.

All this being said, I know that my journey is far from over. Trust and forgiveness is not something that is rebuilt overnight. Just because I can see the good that has come from the aftermath of this horrible situation does not mean I am healed. My heart is still broken, just healing. It also doesn't mean that I am thankful the affair happened. I am thankful of some of the changes that came from the aftermath of the affair. I am thankful we were able to grow together. That growth has been hard fought. Mostly I am thankful that I realized that I am stronger than I ever imagined.I am thankful that my husband saw the reasons he should fight to save our marriage and be ready to fight the fight. God Bless all of us that have been through this horrible situation.