The papers and D-Day 1

My oldest son and my daughter were playing in a junior football and cheerleader league. The practiced 3 evenings a week and played games on Saturdays. The first game was on August 21st. I was in the middle of my pancreatitis and it being central Arkansas, the temperatures were unbearable. The plan for the day was I take all 4 kids to the games and Mr. P would join after he worked a couple of hours. Our kids were in different age groups and each cheered or played in at least 2 games each that day.

Around 1 PM my husband finally calls and says he has to work late and will not make the games. I am STUCK ALONE with 4 kids in 100+ degree heat and I am still pretty ill at this point. I KNEW something was off that day. It was Saturday and work that day in minimum. I found out the next Thursday just what exactly happened that day.

Skip ahead to Wednesday and we are all heading to eat out and make a store run. Mr. P casually mentions he needs to pick up a present for Mrs. Cheats-Alot's 2 year old son. I am furious, but try to not explode because we are in the truck with all 4 of our kids. I am fuming though, Mr. P has NEVER picked out a present for any of our children. NEVER. He knows I am P'd off so he says he will wait until the next day. The next day he spends more for her son than we spend on our OWN children for their birthdays.

Mr. P actually for once takes the older kids to football the next day and I go snooping. I.have.had.it. I find what I am looking for in a notebook he ALWAYS carries, but for some reason had left it at home that night. It was notes about Mrs. Cheats-Alot. Apparently they had a fight on the Saturday of the football game and he was writing out what he was going to say to her. He didn't show up for football because they were supposed to meet at one of "their places", a coffee shop near their office. She apparently waffled back and forth about meeting him and ultimately couldn't get away from her husband and kids. Funny how inconvenient kids and spouses can be to an affair. :) The broken date and fight was also why he forgot about my MRI appointment on Monday. He was too distraught over her....screw his sick, FAITHFUL wife. There were also entries about they were looking at a house they wanted to buy together, and how she was the love of his life.

I was sick and LIVID when he came home from practice with the kids. I handed him the children and walked out the door. I went for a walk on the nature trail behind our house. I had to clear my head before I spoke to him or I would have harmed him. I was that hurt, and angry. I was devastated. I confronted him when the kids went to bed. He tried to play it off. He tried the "just good friends" card. I told him I was not stupid. Then he tried to blame shift by saying I was unreasonable when I was angry. I knew there was A LOT more to the story, but he promised to break all contact and work on our marriage. I should have know there would be more, much more to come. :(

Let me try to start at the "beginning" of my journey

The summer of 2010 was BAD. I knew something was very wrong with my husband, I just couldn't exactly put my finger on it. I had suspicions and I knew her name. My husband had found a job closer to home at the end of 2008 after working a year on an off shore oil platform. After I survived a year of 2weeks on-2weeks off, I thought our marriage was solid. I thought I had proven my devotion to him and our family. He had a midlife crisis and changed his career of 20 years to work on a platform. I felt like I was abandoned, yet I kept going. Almost as soon as he started the new job, he started changing in little ways. The most noticeable was how he seemed to separate his life into two categories, his life in his work town and life in his home town. He seemed pretty strong about keeping me and the kids at arms length when it came to introducing us to his new "people." At his office Christmas party in 2009, I got hit with the why. He introduced me to HER and warning bells started ringing in my head. She was his new interest...his new "pet project."

As that Summer progressed Mr. Personality kept getting more angry, hostile, and cruel. Mainly towards me, but he also often lashed out at our children for little or no reason. I was deeply depressed and trying desperately to make it right. I just had NO IDEA how. One week in June he refused to say " I love you" to me because we had a blowup over our failing sex life. I kept pushing him and one day he told me he was coming home early "to talk." I was really a basket case, I was sure he was divorcing me and going to "her." The talk was nothing like that, although I asked him straight out if he wanted a divorce and if he even cared for me. He basically just outlined all the ways I was a failure to him in marriage and how HE felt. I, like an IDIOT, just took it. The depression I was suffering at his hand, made me think everything WAS my fault. Now I see more clearly that he was blame-shifting to make himself feel better. I was equally responsible for our marital problems, but the difference was I saw myself as having some of the fault. He in true Mr. Personality fashion saw that it was always the other persons fault.

Fast forward to August and I started getting sick. Not a cold, but major illness kind of sick. I started losing massive amounts of weight, I had upper abdominal pain ALL THE TIME, and I had no energy AT ALL. Finally, I found a doctor that started testing me for EVERYTHING he could think it might be. Unfortunately one lab came back with the possible markers of Pancreatic Cancer. I was TERRIFIED. My husband really seemed to could care less. One appointment for a test, I was so scared. Instead of offering to go and support me he said "maybe your Dad can go with you." I was finally scheduled for an MRI and I asked Mr. P to go with me. The test was on Monday, I asked him the Thursday before the test. Monday morning, he had TOTALLY forgotten his promise to go with me. I found out later why he was so forgetful about my crisis. Praise the Lord, the MRI showed I had Pancreatitis, not cancer. I was one sick lady, but I wasn't going to leave my babies without a Mom.

Next up the papers that changed it all for me.

Well here I am,,,,

Hello all! Basically I have started this blog to share my life and maybe get some insights from women like me. You know, been there done that, here is some advice. Let me let you get to know me a little and I will try to update with things I have learned and things I just don't understand. Maybe I can give you some hope with this crazy life and maybe you can give me hope that I will survive.

I am  a SAHM of four children. I have been married to Mr. Personality for 12 years. We live a blessed life, I love my husband and my children tremendously. Unfortunately, my husband didn't really agree and had a year(ish) long affair. After supposedly being in marriage recovery for a year, just last weekend I get the " I love you but I am not in love with you" speech. I have had the most heartbreaking two years and I feel like I just want to stop the ride sometimes.

I am hoping to get insights from you guys and tell you what I have learned, also. Basically I am typing my therapy and hoping my life may help someone else.

Love to all..good luck in life.