Good Evening! I promised that I would start digging ditches, so here we go. I hope reliving the life I have had the past three years post Dday will help someone get past their own Dday. So lets get started from the beginning.
My name is Jules and I have been married to Mr. Personality for almost 15 years now. I just survived the 3rd anniversary of the day I found an email account of my husband's year long ( give or take a month or two) affair. I call it Dday 2 because at this point I had already outed his affair, but of course he was still lying like wayward spouses seem to have a talent for in my experience. We have 5 gorgeous children. During the affair we had 4, SB is our bonus post affair baby.
Now to give a quick overview of the affair....hold on it's a bumpy ride. My husband was your typical wayward spouse looking back. He had turned every marital problem into my fault in both his mind and my head as well. When you are told something over and over you believe it after a while, even when you know in your heart it is not true. My husband was so screwed up and into his affair fog that he had me believing half the manure he was selling. Looking back, I don't even recognize myself, I was so beaten down and bruised. My husband had convinced himself that he was unhappy beyond help in our marriage and it was all my fault. I was a terrible wife, and I just didn't care about him or understand him. ( sounding familiar to anyone yet?) Yes, if you look up midlife crisis affair, my husband's picture is right there on the page. He changed everything about himself for his 16 year his junior whore, Jennifer.
He changed his interests, but it wasn't from growth and maturity, it was to get into her pants. He started showing interest in things he had NEVER cared about before, and of course when I would ask he would have the same old answer. He had ALWAYS liked XYZ, but had changed since he had married me because I NEVER supported his interests and was just a meanie all around. Insert picture in your mind of an almost 50 year old sticking out his tongue like a 5 year old kid.
The biggest indicator of the affair? His absence in our lives both mentally and physically. He just disappeared that year, it's hard to explain unless you have been there. I know that many, many of you have walked this path or are just starting to walk it. I look back on that year and there are very obvious signs that I missed, that now with my hyper-senses I would pick up on in a heartbeat. One of the hundreds of emails that stands out even after 3 years is the one where he says I am turning the kids against him. She lapped it up like a kitten with cream, but it simply wasn't true. I was not the evil woman that made he children hate their Dad. I was the woman that lied to her kids so they wouldn't realize Dad was putting someone else before them. A woman that had no business in their parent's marriage.
It has been 3 years and some days I think to myself, "wow I have come so far!" Then there are other days that everything seems like it happened yesterday and I am still struggling for air. I do not look in the mirror and compare myself to Jennifer everyday. She no longer holds that kind of power over me. I should have never let her have any power over me. I know that now, but I can tell you beyond any doubt it will take you years to realize that the other woman IS JUST NOT WORTH the hurt. She is obviously damaged beyond comprehension. A married woman (or man) that will enter into a relationship with another married person is not mentally healthy. Do I blame just the other woman for the affair? Nope. I blame my husband 1st and foremost. I can take some blame for marital issues, but I will NEVER take any blame for the affair. I did not cause it NOR did I deserve it. The entire affair and it's aftermath falls squarely on the shoulders of Mr. Personality and Jennifer. When a betrayed spouse gets to that point in their recovery...you are on the right track.
So everyday (or as often as a Mom of 5 can possibly handle) I will blog how I have survived every day from the beginning. I will be going in order as much as possible, but if something strikes me that day as helpful to a "newbie." I will make that my blog topic. I welcome all input, suggestions, or questions. Please feel free to comment or email me personally. I know that putting yourself out there on a blog can be hard, so I have no problem having personal conversations with you. I have had many conversations with followers of this blog who prefer to be anonymous. I understand. This is a very personal, private topic. My personal email is on my profile, please feel free to use it. If I do not answer within a day, comment here. Gmail has totally been screwing up and sending personal email to my spam folder. If you let me know, I'll go looking for your email.
Love to all,
Jules
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
It's time to dig ditches!
I have fought the Lord for weeks. He is pushing me, hard. I have been asked by my pastor to consider blogging full time again. Actually blogging my daily struggle of forgiveness and moving on post affair. The turning point was a sermon on crazy faith. Faith that the Lord will bring you through "it" no matter what the world says will happen. I realized, I have that faith and it is what saw me through my own personal hell. I am not a professional counsellor, but I've lived it and learned from it. I've prayed to God that those who need to read my words will find me. Starting tomorrow, I'm digging those ditches and knowing that the Lord will send the rain to fill them. I want to share my story and hope that I can touch lives, even just one.So join in tomorrow, I'll start from the beginning and pray for "rain"
Love,
Jules
Love,
Jules
Thursday, May 23, 2013
My New Love is Here
Much has happened in the last months. I promise I will start posting again soon. I try to post when I am in a good place in hopes that my place can give others hope in their journey.
First my newest addition SJ was born April 29, 2013 at 12:15P.M. She was 9lbs, 8 oz and 20 inches. She is doing wonderfully and after a hospitalization for a heart issue I am doing well.
Please say a prayer for my community. One Monday my new home town was hit by an F5 tornado. The loss of life and property is beyond belief. The only thing I know to do for these wonderful people is cover them in prayer. I watched the tornado from my backyard and the terror I felt while I knew I was safe made me frantic. I CANNOT imagine what the people in the storm's path felt, especially those innocent angel babies.
God Bless,
Jules
First my newest addition SJ was born April 29, 2013 at 12:15P.M. She was 9lbs, 8 oz and 20 inches. She is doing wonderfully and after a hospitalization for a heart issue I am doing well.
Please say a prayer for my community. One Monday my new home town was hit by an F5 tornado. The loss of life and property is beyond belief. The only thing I know to do for these wonderful people is cover them in prayer. I watched the tornado from my backyard and the terror I felt while I knew I was safe made me frantic. I CANNOT imagine what the people in the storm's path felt, especially those innocent angel babies.
God Bless,
Jules
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Well, isn't that Interesting
Hang on folks, the first post of the new year is a dozy. Let me just start by saying that my marriage is still a work in progress, some days I'm still not sure I can survive and move past his affair. I have so many emotions that swing from forgiveness and the absolute knowledge I can move past the affair, and then they swing to I can never get over this, the pain inflicted is just too great.
Last April I saw my OB/GYN for a large cyst on my right ovary that was found on a CT scan for my chronic pancreatitis. Before I could get an appointment after the CT finding the cyst had ruptured taking my ovary with it. The ultrasound showed that my left ovary was also in my doctor's words "a mess." Further bloodwork showed that my hormones indicated that my egg count was zero. I was officially out of the baby business. Even if I wanted to go through IVF there was less than 1% chance that egg retrieval would be possible. I was great with this! My doctor acted like he was delivering bad news, but I didn't feel that way at all. I had 4 kids, they were healthy and I was thrilled with my completed family. Besides, I was not in a place in my marriage that I felt I could trust my husband enough to want to have another child.
Now here is where the story gets interesting, fast-forward to August and September when I skipped my period for no apparent reason. In August I didn't worry at all, I only have one ovary, so having a cycle every other month is perfectly normal. Then came the end of September, I started feeling awful, much like I feel sometimes with pancreatitis, just "different." You guessed it, my period never came in September either. I started getting the sinking feeling I was screwed. I was either dying of some horrible malady that I didn't know I had, or I was pregnant...crap! Welp, I'm not dying....at least not soon. Yep, as of today I am entering my 3rd trimester.
Those of you who know my story know that I had a miscarriage in the middle of my husband's affair. I had a miscarriage of a child that my husband did not want because he no longer wanted me or our children. He had found a younger, more exciting model that was his soul mate. Someone that lived in his fantasy world with him, the world of no kids, no mortgages, no stress, life was perfect in their world. This pregnancy has brought all the horrible feelings of that time back in crystal clear clarity. When I finally took that pregnancy test, it was like I was in the Summer of 2010 all over again. I never realized after 2 years and all the work I have done on myself that I could crash right back to that horrible time in an instant.
I started to feel exactly the same darkness and despair all over again, it was terrible. I should have started right then blogging again, getting it out there, talking it out. Instead, I buried myself deep in despair just like the weeks after DDay. It took me 4 months to admit to anyone except my husband that I was pregnant. I was deeply in denial, trying to protect myself. This baby didn't even seem like a real possibility until I saw her on ultrasound at 20 weeks. My husband has tried to understand my feelings, he got excited a lot quicker than I allowed myself. I was honest with him, and told him that pregnancy was probably the worst trigger of all when it came to his affair. I lived through hell that year, pure hell, and in the middle an innocent child died that I was carrying in my body. People do not always die in an affair literally, but someone died in his affair. I lost much more than my marriage, I lost a child. There is an angel baby that should have been celebrating her 2nd birthday on January 11th in my arms.
So here I am, 28 weeks pregnant, and starting over in some ways getting over his affair. I am much more vocal this time around about what my needs are, yet I'm pretty sure he just doesn't get it. I have never betrayed our vows, he can never understand. To him it is just something bad he did, that he has moved on from in his life. Some days I'm still not sure he is remorseful of the horrible things he put me through, or if the remorse is just that I caught him and nailed his ass to the wall. Some days are good and some days are bad, the bad ones are almost as bad as DDay 1,2, or 3. The interesting thing (if you can call it that) is I got pregnant almost to the day of the 1st anniversary of DDay 3. I'm trying to see it as God giving me a sign to keep moving forward. I should have never physically been able to conceive, surely that is God telling me something. I'm just moving forward and praying for guidance. I would have never seen my life like this 5 years ago, but it is my life and I have to live it. Just pray that I keep the strength to do it. Sometimes I think, " Lord, what else do you think I can shoulder in my broken marriage?" I ask you all to keep me in your prayers or just positive thoughts if you don't believe in prayers. I need all the strength I can get from all sources.
Last April I saw my OB/GYN for a large cyst on my right ovary that was found on a CT scan for my chronic pancreatitis. Before I could get an appointment after the CT finding the cyst had ruptured taking my ovary with it. The ultrasound showed that my left ovary was also in my doctor's words "a mess." Further bloodwork showed that my hormones indicated that my egg count was zero. I was officially out of the baby business. Even if I wanted to go through IVF there was less than 1% chance that egg retrieval would be possible. I was great with this! My doctor acted like he was delivering bad news, but I didn't feel that way at all. I had 4 kids, they were healthy and I was thrilled with my completed family. Besides, I was not in a place in my marriage that I felt I could trust my husband enough to want to have another child.
Now here is where the story gets interesting, fast-forward to August and September when I skipped my period for no apparent reason. In August I didn't worry at all, I only have one ovary, so having a cycle every other month is perfectly normal. Then came the end of September, I started feeling awful, much like I feel sometimes with pancreatitis, just "different." You guessed it, my period never came in September either. I started getting the sinking feeling I was screwed. I was either dying of some horrible malady that I didn't know I had, or I was pregnant...crap! Welp, I'm not dying....at least not soon. Yep, as of today I am entering my 3rd trimester.
Those of you who know my story know that I had a miscarriage in the middle of my husband's affair. I had a miscarriage of a child that my husband did not want because he no longer wanted me or our children. He had found a younger, more exciting model that was his soul mate. Someone that lived in his fantasy world with him, the world of no kids, no mortgages, no stress, life was perfect in their world. This pregnancy has brought all the horrible feelings of that time back in crystal clear clarity. When I finally took that pregnancy test, it was like I was in the Summer of 2010 all over again. I never realized after 2 years and all the work I have done on myself that I could crash right back to that horrible time in an instant.
I started to feel exactly the same darkness and despair all over again, it was terrible. I should have started right then blogging again, getting it out there, talking it out. Instead, I buried myself deep in despair just like the weeks after DDay. It took me 4 months to admit to anyone except my husband that I was pregnant. I was deeply in denial, trying to protect myself. This baby didn't even seem like a real possibility until I saw her on ultrasound at 20 weeks. My husband has tried to understand my feelings, he got excited a lot quicker than I allowed myself. I was honest with him, and told him that pregnancy was probably the worst trigger of all when it came to his affair. I lived through hell that year, pure hell, and in the middle an innocent child died that I was carrying in my body. People do not always die in an affair literally, but someone died in his affair. I lost much more than my marriage, I lost a child. There is an angel baby that should have been celebrating her 2nd birthday on January 11th in my arms.
So here I am, 28 weeks pregnant, and starting over in some ways getting over his affair. I am much more vocal this time around about what my needs are, yet I'm pretty sure he just doesn't get it. I have never betrayed our vows, he can never understand. To him it is just something bad he did, that he has moved on from in his life. Some days I'm still not sure he is remorseful of the horrible things he put me through, or if the remorse is just that I caught him and nailed his ass to the wall. Some days are good and some days are bad, the bad ones are almost as bad as DDay 1,2, or 3. The interesting thing (if you can call it that) is I got pregnant almost to the day of the 1st anniversary of DDay 3. I'm trying to see it as God giving me a sign to keep moving forward. I should have never physically been able to conceive, surely that is God telling me something. I'm just moving forward and praying for guidance. I would have never seen my life like this 5 years ago, but it is my life and I have to live it. Just pray that I keep the strength to do it. Sometimes I think, " Lord, what else do you think I can shoulder in my broken marriage?" I ask you all to keep me in your prayers or just positive thoughts if you don't believe in prayers. I need all the strength I can get from all sources.
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