I have struggled with this question over and over again. I visited my Best Friend about 4 months post D-Day and I had a horrible visit. I felt like I had to hide something from her, so I pulled back from her. I have always shared everything with her and I knew if I got too close to her on the visit she would KNOW I was in distress. We know each other so well, I felt like a fraud hiding it from her.
Mr. Personality yelled at me one night because he thought I had told my family. In truth I had not told my family a word. He on the other hand had told his two faced backstabbing sister who not only condoned the affair but wanted to meet Mrs. Cheatsalot. She also was quick to tell EVERYONE in Mr. P's family. She thought they would be as vicious as herself and band around Mr. P. like I deserved the affair or something. She likes gossip and malice that much...classy. It backfired on her. His siblings started calling me and supporting ME instead of him. One of his older brothers sat next to me at the kids' football game and just put his arm around me while I had tears streaming down my face. Mr. P was " at work" during that game and his brother came to support the kids and me. All he said to me was " he is stupid, fight for you marriage he has no idea what he has to lose." That is all he said. He just sat there in silence the rest of the time. He simply wanted me to know that he knew and he DIDN"T CONDONE what his brother was doing to me.
My husband is the baby of 8 children his siblings for the most part still coddle him like he is the baby. He really has the mentality a lot of the time that what he does is always acceptable and if he does something unacceptable it the fault of someone else somehow. The affair for him in his mind was justified because he was unhappy. Sometimes to this day I think he feels like he was justified because I wasn't what he needed or wanted at that moment. Sometimes I fantasize that he finally "gets" that the affair was his fault and his alone. I have owned up to my part in our marital problems, but those problems in NO WAY made an affair justified. I was not happy with him, but giving what belonged to him to another man would never have been acceptable to me.
My sister figured out what was going on, so I did open up to her a little. My husband of course was furious and didn't believe that I didn't actually have to "tell" her anything. To me it wasn't something I really wanted to share, not to protect him but to protect my own heart. I felt like a fool that I had this happen to me and I didn't just walk out the door when I found out. I gave my sister the emails for safe keeping in case I needed them for a divorce. I told her to read them if she wanted. I have never seen a person so furious. If I had let her she would have caused him bodily harm. It made me feel a little bit better, I admit it. I felt like at least someone thought I didn't deserve this pain.
To this day, my sister is the one person I have told. My husband's entire family and probably some friends know thanks to my SIL. I call it selective telling, my husband was fine sharing with people he saw as on "his side." Some days I think it is time to tell my close friends. I think I deserve to have someone on "my side."
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Some days after a year, I feel lost
We are settling into our new life in Oklahoma. I miss my friends and family terribly, but we are all adjusting. It has been just over a year since D-Day one and today is the 1 year anniversary of D-day two. I am battling Strep Throat so my mind has luckily been on other matters today. I will not sugar-coat it.... I.struggle.every.single.day. This is the anniversary of finding all the emails that pretty much blew his "we are just close friends" out of the water.
I struggle every day with the feeling I am his second choice. The mother of his 4 children, the supportive, FAITHFUL wife is 2nd place. It is a bitter feeling I have in me. After the discovery of the emails in September 2010, there were other HARSH discoveries that no wife (or husband) should ever endure. While we were in "recovery" between Sept 2010 and March 2011 I was sure to send him pictures of his children and myself while he was away on business trips. My way of staying close to him and including him while he was far away. I should have known the jerk wouldn't appreciate it. In March 2011, I start looking through his pictures on his blackberry. Not a single picture of me, a couple of the kids I sent him, and DOZENS of pictures she had sent him AFTER the "no contact" was put in place. I was literally falling to the floor in anguish. I am not a very dramatic person ( not at all really), but this discovery literally knocked me to my knees. I weep just thinking of this night. I felt like such an idiot. I trusted him and he proved once again he can't be trusted.
He was literally sweating when I confronted him. He knew he was wrong, he knew I had every right to be devastated. I told him it was either a real no contact this time or I was leaving. This was all I could handle. This.was.it. He was to tell her there was to be ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT of any kind, work related or not. I also wanted him to have her contact me stating she understood what no contact meant. She sent me a rude condescending email saying she understood "my" definition of no contact. I sent her a rude one back stating I was pretty sure no contact means the same thing no matter how you put it. It means NO CONTACT! I knew she didn't take it seriously. She was enjoying my torment. She enjoyed her little game. She had no plans of actually leaving her husband for mine, but his attention made her feel good about her miserable, deceptive self. I was going to wait and see if my husband was finally going to get his head out of his b**t. I knew at that moment, it will take YEARS for me to ever trust him again. He just keeps proving that he doesn't deserve me or his children. No one deserves an affair. There is no one on earth that deserves what I have been through, except maybe Mr. Personality and his slut. I am trying to let go of the anger, but there are some days I daydream about her husband dumping her for an affair partner. He is another person that does not deserve what they were dealt in the marriage dept.
Until the next time, I pray for everyone that is going through this crap. There is a web forum that I have found very healing. www.survivinginfidelity.com .....God Bless you guys.
I struggle every day with the feeling I am his second choice. The mother of his 4 children, the supportive, FAITHFUL wife is 2nd place. It is a bitter feeling I have in me. After the discovery of the emails in September 2010, there were other HARSH discoveries that no wife (or husband) should ever endure. While we were in "recovery" between Sept 2010 and March 2011 I was sure to send him pictures of his children and myself while he was away on business trips. My way of staying close to him and including him while he was far away. I should have known the jerk wouldn't appreciate it. In March 2011, I start looking through his pictures on his blackberry. Not a single picture of me, a couple of the kids I sent him, and DOZENS of pictures she had sent him AFTER the "no contact" was put in place. I was literally falling to the floor in anguish. I am not a very dramatic person ( not at all really), but this discovery literally knocked me to my knees. I weep just thinking of this night. I felt like such an idiot. I trusted him and he proved once again he can't be trusted.
He was literally sweating when I confronted him. He knew he was wrong, he knew I had every right to be devastated. I told him it was either a real no contact this time or I was leaving. This was all I could handle. This.was.it. He was to tell her there was to be ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT of any kind, work related or not. I also wanted him to have her contact me stating she understood what no contact meant. She sent me a rude condescending email saying she understood "my" definition of no contact. I sent her a rude one back stating I was pretty sure no contact means the same thing no matter how you put it. It means NO CONTACT! I knew she didn't take it seriously. She was enjoying my torment. She enjoyed her little game. She had no plans of actually leaving her husband for mine, but his attention made her feel good about her miserable, deceptive self. I was going to wait and see if my husband was finally going to get his head out of his b**t. I knew at that moment, it will take YEARS for me to ever trust him again. He just keeps proving that he doesn't deserve me or his children. No one deserves an affair. There is no one on earth that deserves what I have been through, except maybe Mr. Personality and his slut. I am trying to let go of the anger, but there are some days I daydream about her husband dumping her for an affair partner. He is another person that does not deserve what they were dealt in the marriage dept.
Until the next time, I pray for everyone that is going through this crap. There is a web forum that I have found very healing. www.survivinginfidelity.com .....God Bless you guys.
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