A letter to the OW from my Husband

This is one of the hundreds of emails that I found between my husband and his girlfriend. There is so much in this one that just slaps me in the face because I know what was going on in my life at this time. Affairs are so selfish and unfair. It just makes me so depressed sometimes because it just hits me that this is what my life is now. I do so many positive things in my life, but it always seems to come back to the affair. I know time will dull the ache, I'm just waiting for it to happen. I haven't corrected any spelling or grammar it is written just as the email reads.

Dearest Jennifer,

Re: Masks

Yesterday when you were having a rough time your text to me said  " I hate everything and I am tired of putting on a mask everyday you have no idea how miserable I am when I get home!"

Yes I do know how miserable you are, I know exactly how miserable you are, I know because I am that miserable every single day I come home, only I have to keep my mask on all day and all night. I do that for YOU! As I said, what keeps me sain in all the maddness is reaching out to you. When we have communications like we did last night, I get to take my mask off, and its the most wonderful feeling in the world. There is no way I could ever be in the same room with you and be unaware of exactly whats going on with you. I feel you when I am not in the same county as you, much less the same state!

You are much too beautiful inside and out, much too kind. much too wonderful to have to ever put on a mask.
Life isn't always about waiting for the storm to pass, sometimes its about learning to dance in the rain.

You are in my heart forever.

END TEXT

This is one of the less hurtful emails, most of them at least mention me as the enemy. This one just eludes to me being the reason he is so miserable. The affair fog is such crap. I'll share more of the emails that really put a light on what their affair was like. This email is significant because it is the day after I caught him texting her in the middle of the night. Their communications the night before was at 2 AM and my husband said it was work related. Yep, dear I'm stupid...not! The next day she actually had to the nerve to call him while he was spending time with his kids. Another female coworker was going to ride with him to an out of town meeting, and she was NOT going to have it! She was having a tirade (that I could hear) that he was not allowed to let this coworker ride with him! He actually said in the middle of the tirade, "I'll take care of it, but I am at HOME right now and can't talk." Well honey, continue that conversation, it is really interesting that a "friend" cares that much who you are riding with to the meeting.

Lord help us.

My Birthday

Well yesterday was my Birthday. As many days post affair...it kinda sucked. It is just a reminder to me that I am aging and my husband had an affair with a younger woman. His half- hearted attempts to make my birthday nice failed. He got me a cake, flowers and a gift the day before, but I think I am just still too scarred. Yesterday, he really just did nothing to make me feel special. I mean, I even cooked dinner just like EVERY. OTHER. NIGHT. Would it have killed him to cook dinner FOR ME for once? Anyway, I digress. I do have an actual reason behind my post today. :)

I had something happen last night that made start to wonder if the affair will ever fade to the background and stay there? My son was telling a funny story at dinner last night about a pretty personal issue that I had saved him from after church camp. It was the Summer of 2010 when my husband was in the big, fat middle of his affair. The story was hilarious and I was just listening to it and I wasn't really thinking about when it occurred, I wasn't thinking about the affair at all. Then.... my husband asked " where in the world was I, why was your Mother the one saving you?" Then it hit me... he wasn't there because he was with HER. I know for a fact because of their emails that they were together this particular night. My Son just looked at him and said, I have no idea, you were never there that summer, I guess you were at work. I think at that moment it dawned on him where he was during this little scene in life. I just looked at him and cocked my eyebrow. He knew that at that moment I was remembering EXACTLY where he was that night.

It is sad to me that the most innocent things slap the affair into my face. It just brought it all back to the surface for me last night. As always it made me very emotional. I started throwing myself a pity party.... basically my husband cheated on me and my birthday sucks....poor me. I know, not pretty! I am pretty much over it today, but it does bring up the question. Will I every be safe from this affair hitting me in the face?"

God Bless you guys. May He guide us all through this mine field.