Selfishness and Trust issues

I sometimes think of issues that really bother me and I have to get them off my chest.

Affairs are the most selfish act that anyone can perform. Thinking about my husband's affair and the selfishness involved just makes my blood boil. First and foremost, I think of how much blame he placed on me when he was talking to Mrs. Cheatsalot. As far as he was concerned, I didn't make him happy so he was entitled to have an affair. They spoke about leaving us imperfect spouses for each other. What about our feelings, what about the children you were going to hurt? They seemed to skip over the destruction they were going to leave in their wake. It was all about how unhappy THEY were and how THEY deserved happiness. To this day after 15 months of trying to recover our marriage, I would LOVE to have them both in a room and just slap them upside the head. I wonder if Mrs. Cheatsalot's husband feels the same way. I suspect he does. The truth is both marriages were far from perfect. However, in both cases there was one spouse that felt that marriage vows were sacred and worked to better the marriage. Then there was one spouse that put themselves on a pedestal and walked outside their vows.

Second in my wondering today I think "will I ever feel I can trust him?" He had to go home to go back to work, and I still wonder if he is behaving as a husband should. I am 8 hours away, a perfect opportunity to seek out his girlfriend. I want to believe he is doing what he should be doing, but I still have that nagging doubt as always. I guess he just has proven himself to not be trustworthy so many times, that I do have doubts that he will ever deserve my trust. I gave him my utmost trust when we came into this marriage, never feeling threatened or jealous. He threw THAT away, BIG TIME! There has been 4 times since D-Day that he has proven his self unworthy of my trust and I think my heart is just waiting for the next time. It is a horrible feeling.

There is no easy answer to an affair. Staying and TRYING to work it out is so hard. I stress trying because there is NO guarantee that it will work. Sometimes I think the wayward spouse is just too selfish to give up his or her affair. Divorcing and moving on is equally hard. Moving on from what is supposed to be forever surely rips at one's soul. So there are my thoughts of today, feel free to comment or email me. I am here for you to vent or would love to hear what you have to add. We are all in the same boat here. It feels like being on the Titanic. God Bless.

I Am Blessed

Just wanted to stop in and say Merry Christmas. It is the time of year that I reflect on how very blessed I am in this life. I have 4 wonderful, happy, healthy children. I have a husband that I love dearly, even in hurt. I have a great family. I am so far away from my family and I miss them terribly. We are a mixed group of siblings and step siblings, but we are blessed to all get along and love each other. I know that some step-families are not so lucky. All in all this is a very blessed time of year for the Personality family.


When reflecting on my blessings, I do reflect on those that have gone home. Yesterday, it was the one year anniversary of my Maternal Grandmother's passing. She was a strong woman that loved and cared for my Brother and I just like a Grandmother should. This will be my 9th Christmas without my Fraternal Grandfather. I miss his so much. I will never regret my standing Tuesday night date at "the king" with him. He and I ordered the same thing, every single time! Finally this will be the 9th Christmas without my Mom. She died so young and only knew my oldest son. She would be so in love with my kids. It hurts my heart that they won't know her this side of eternity. I know that we have 3 very special angels looking over us.

I pray everyone has a Blessed Christmas.

I am trying to be positive!

The holidays are supposed to be joyous, but for the past two years I have had a hard time finding my joy. I am trying, I really am. I love spending time with my family and friends. I love the joy I see in my children's faces and hear in their laughter.

Still I find myself thinking about the affair. I find myself wondering if my husband is thinking about HER, missing HER, or even still talking to HER. Then I am sad. My heart is still so damaged. I sometimes wonder if I will ever recover. Will I ever be truly happy in my marriage again? Last year at Christmas my husband bought her a gift and BOLD FACE lied about it. This was 3 months after supposed "no contact." It shows the level of trust that he deserves really. I "think" he is in the marriage this year, but when will I feel certain of this? I wish someone could give me a timetable. When will I stop hurting? When will I not cry at random times when I think about the affair. When will the affair fade from my mind. I know I will never completely forget the affair, but does it truly fade with time?

With that being said, I am deep into my Christmas preparation. I love picking out gifts for my children and my loved ones. I never really want anything myself. I feel like I am overly blessed in the material possession department. This year I want peace of mind. I want my husband to love me. I want my children to continue to be healthy and happy. Most of all, I want to be truly happy again. I have happiness in my life everyday, but the sadness is always right around the corner. The affair seems to live on my shoulder.


So for Christmas this year, I am wishing much joy to each and everyone of us that has survived an affair. Whether you have stayed in the marriage or moved on through a divorce. We are all in the same boat and we all deserve some joy, some true happiness.

On a personal note, I am having a pancreatitis attack and could use your healing prayers. I am in physical pain and that seems to allow the sadness to creep into my life even more than normal. I covet your prayers and I send mine you way!

Much Love,