About a year after Dday 1 and Dday 2, I discovered that Jennifer was still hanging onto Mr. Personality. I saw red, of course I wasn't just mad at her I was furious at my husband. He was supposed to be back in our marriage and I found out once again he was just a liar. He still just didn't "get" that an affair relationship is nothing but fiction. Affairs are not real life, there is no mortgage, no bills, no sick kids, no carpool, no homework, no stress of well REAL life. I confronted my husband about their continuing relationship; it was not as involved as it once was, but the point was they were still involved. My husband was holding on as long as she continued to dangle that carrot in front of him. He was not willing to go full on into marriage recovery until he knew she wasn't going to come back to him. She was going to continue to give him that little nugget of hope because she enjoyed the attention. As I have said in the past, she had absolutely no desire to actually leave her husband. I on the other hand , was ready to leave mine. I was done.
When I made this discovery we were actually out of town with our children, so I decided to confront Jennifer when we got home. I opened by sending her an email, basically asking her to remove herself from my marriage. I asked her to give my marriage a chance to work. She immediately called my husband, shocker she didn't take the no contact seriously. :) She apparently whined to him what a bitch I was to her. In truth my email was WAY more kind than my actual feelings for her. After a year of crap, I was no longer totally running on anger, I was just exhausted by the whole thing. He went outside to take the call, so of course I knew it was her. I gave him a few minutes and then I went outside, gave him a horrible go to H*** look, and told him to get the F*** off the phone with his whore. I was sure to make sure she heard me call her a whore, not mature but it felt good!
She immediately emailed me back and asked for my phone number so she could call me the next day. It made me nauseous, but I was ready to hit this head on. She ended up eventually emailing me again that evening. Basically, she said she had broken it off with my husband. Of course she couldn't leave it there, she had to add a few barbs. She said that my marriage was obviously already broken and it had nothing to do with his relationship with her. ( delusional much?) I was well aware of my marriages challenges, but my husband's total lack of desire to improve our marriage had everything to do with his relationship with her. Who needs to deal with real life, when he can have the "perfect" life with her? She told me basically I needed to get over the affair. She told me I needed to grow up and act like the affair never happened. Really, Jennifer, such great advice from a whore that would go after a married man while she was also married. That sent me over the edge. I quickly emailed her back. I told her that I wanted to get over it and I had every intention of either making my marriage stronger than ever or leaving and never looking back. Then I decided to share the one thing I KNEW Mr. Perfect hadn't shared with her about himself. He had cheated on his first wife too, he was a serial cheater. Basically, I told her , look sister you are not that special he has done it before. I had kept that to myself until this point. I wish I had told her that from the start, we NEVER heard from her again. LOL, she didn't like feeling like SHE wasn't the special only one.
Jennifer telling me to get over it to hurt me ending up being exactly what I needed to hear. It made me GET IN GEAR. I was ready to either make my husband be serious about our marriage recovery or move on to different things. It ended up being pretty good, he finally really started getting back into our marriage. It has now been a year since Dday 3. We are at a better place than we have been in years. Do we still have our problems, yes! Does it still hurt me, absolutely! Will I ever "get over it" totally, probably not! Love to all of you, hope life is going in the right direction for you.
Jules
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Summertime equals Triggertime
Greetings everyone,
I'm sorry I have been so absent, but summertime with 4 kids is crazy busy. There has been Church camp, theme parks, picnics, and zoo visits galore. We have been having fun, fun, fun, but as most of you know the affair sadness can seep into the most innocent moments.
Summer has been hard the last two years post affair, because of how horrible the summer I outed him was for me. The summer my husband's affair hit it's peak was one of the most horrific times of my life. I was suspicious of my husband having an affair, but I was still searching for a way to prove it. My first real breakthrough that summer was at WDW on a family vacation when I caught him texting back and forth with her like a teenage girl. He was downright giddy when he was texting her. It made me sick. The day I caught him, was also the day I started miscarrying our 5th child. It was a physically and emotionally devastating time. The date was May 25, 2010. I have made it through that anniversary. Now I just keep trudging ahead through the rest of them.
Father's Day was the second real trigger for me. That Sunday morning he told me he didn't care if it made me mad, he didn't want to go to Church with us. I cried through Church that morning because they were honoring the Fathers and having their kids stand up with them. My kids had no one to stand with, their Dad was at home writing poetry to his girlfriend and talking to her on the phone. When we got home he said he had to go out into the field to "work" , but really he just took a drive so they could have phone sex. I later read an email he sent his girlfriend the next day, he told her that the "special" phone call the day before had saved his HORRIBLE weekend. You see he spent the whole weekend with his hideous wife and his 4 kids, Lord how horrible for him, he was such a sad, sad victim.
Next up is July 4th, the email that absolutely broke my heart. He was telling her he couldn't believe I was making him go with us to visit my family. He told her one day they would enjoy their holidays together and she could do anything she wanted. The heartbreaking part to me was the fact that previous to that July 4th, we had ALWAYS done what HE wanted on July 4th. We went to my Family's home that year so I could attend a funeral. The funeral of one of my very favorite Aunts. The last living sibling of my Grandmother that I had lost years before. It broke me in two to read his hateful words. He basically said he hated me and my family, that he couldn't wait until she was his family. Shortly after the 4th is July 16th...yay another horrible memory. That was the weekend we went away together that she was so pissed that he was with me. I have written about that before. It is the reason I have a hard time going anywhere with him. I always wonder in the back of my mind if he is calling and texting her behind my back. I wonder if he would rather be spending his weekend away with HER.
The end of August is when I first found proof of his affair. Of course he LIED, LIED , LIED to me about the extent of their relationship at that time He promised to end it at that time and go no contact. Of course, that was just one of a million lies he told since DDay one. Next was DDay two at the end of September where I found his stash of emails and writings. That totally blew his "we are just really close friends" lie out of the water. The dates go on and on until July 30, 2011. The day he told me he was 'trying' to be in love with me. The day I found all the pictures of his "memories" of her on his computer. The day he admitted he had bought her a Christmas gift the Christmas of 2010. The day I really consider DDay 3. It was really the day he admitted he had been lying to me for almost a year about his commitment to me and our marriage. Summer should be a great time for us as a family because all our kids are home to spend time together. Instead, I just try to push through the pain.
Love and Hugs,
Jules
I'm sorry I have been so absent, but summertime with 4 kids is crazy busy. There has been Church camp, theme parks, picnics, and zoo visits galore. We have been having fun, fun, fun, but as most of you know the affair sadness can seep into the most innocent moments.
Summer has been hard the last two years post affair, because of how horrible the summer I outed him was for me. The summer my husband's affair hit it's peak was one of the most horrific times of my life. I was suspicious of my husband having an affair, but I was still searching for a way to prove it. My first real breakthrough that summer was at WDW on a family vacation when I caught him texting back and forth with her like a teenage girl. He was downright giddy when he was texting her. It made me sick. The day I caught him, was also the day I started miscarrying our 5th child. It was a physically and emotionally devastating time. The date was May 25, 2010. I have made it through that anniversary. Now I just keep trudging ahead through the rest of them.
Father's Day was the second real trigger for me. That Sunday morning he told me he didn't care if it made me mad, he didn't want to go to Church with us. I cried through Church that morning because they were honoring the Fathers and having their kids stand up with them. My kids had no one to stand with, their Dad was at home writing poetry to his girlfriend and talking to her on the phone. When we got home he said he had to go out into the field to "work" , but really he just took a drive so they could have phone sex. I later read an email he sent his girlfriend the next day, he told her that the "special" phone call the day before had saved his HORRIBLE weekend. You see he spent the whole weekend with his hideous wife and his 4 kids, Lord how horrible for him, he was such a sad, sad victim.
Next up is July 4th, the email that absolutely broke my heart. He was telling her he couldn't believe I was making him go with us to visit my family. He told her one day they would enjoy their holidays together and she could do anything she wanted. The heartbreaking part to me was the fact that previous to that July 4th, we had ALWAYS done what HE wanted on July 4th. We went to my Family's home that year so I could attend a funeral. The funeral of one of my very favorite Aunts. The last living sibling of my Grandmother that I had lost years before. It broke me in two to read his hateful words. He basically said he hated me and my family, that he couldn't wait until she was his family. Shortly after the 4th is July 16th...yay another horrible memory. That was the weekend we went away together that she was so pissed that he was with me. I have written about that before. It is the reason I have a hard time going anywhere with him. I always wonder in the back of my mind if he is calling and texting her behind my back. I wonder if he would rather be spending his weekend away with HER.
The end of August is when I first found proof of his affair. Of course he LIED, LIED , LIED to me about the extent of their relationship at that time He promised to end it at that time and go no contact. Of course, that was just one of a million lies he told since DDay one. Next was DDay two at the end of September where I found his stash of emails and writings. That totally blew his "we are just really close friends" lie out of the water. The dates go on and on until July 30, 2011. The day he told me he was 'trying' to be in love with me. The day I found all the pictures of his "memories" of her on his computer. The day he admitted he had bought her a Christmas gift the Christmas of 2010. The day I really consider DDay 3. It was really the day he admitted he had been lying to me for almost a year about his commitment to me and our marriage. Summer should be a great time for us as a family because all our kids are home to spend time together. Instead, I just try to push through the pain.
Love and Hugs,
Jules
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Another Letter to the OW...
Subject: See You
Its One thing to be 200 miles away in another state,
Its one thing to go a weekend, Its one thing to go a simple day.
But I will have gone 20 days without looking into your beautiful eyes.
20 days without looking at your sexy body!
21 days since my lips grazed yours.
I think today has been harder because I am so close, yet so far away!
My heart is already pounding in my throat thinking about seeing you Monday.
I have missed you like you will never know and cannot wait to be in you presence again.
I just hope I can control myself!!
I will sneak pings to you as much as I can this weekend and definitely let you know what she is up to!
I just know one thing, I hope to never go through another 2 weeks like this last one unless you are with me!
Just wanted to tell you how I was feeling this very moment
TOY & U with all my heart 4-ever and ever!
END TEXT
Lovely isn't it? First off I want to say I typed that EXACTLY the way he had it written. I try not to write like I am in 7th grade. Their hundreds of letters, emails, and texts remind me of just that, a couple of teenagers with an infatuation. Most of them make me want to lose my lunch. I really believe that affairs make people stupid.
7th grade angst aside, this email absolutely crushed me. I still cry when I read it. This email was written moments before he left on a weekend getaway with me. We had been supposedly working on our marriage and trying to put a spark back in it. I felt it was important to get away with just us since having 4 kids can take up A LOT of time. I had arranged for us to get away just the two of us.
It makes me absolutely sick that he wrote this to her just minutes before we left. He had been gone on a business trip to TX for a few weeks and I was excited to see him. I had looked forward to this time together for weeks, obviously he was more worried about not seeing his whore. Wow! It is sad, but I thought we had a lovely time that weekend. At the time, I thought we were working on us being a solid couple again. Little did I know, that it was all a LIE. We stayed at a lake house that had very poor cell service. He had to go out to his truck to make cell calls because he had a booster on it. I know that some of those legitimate calls he made included a quick 'Ping" to her. I seriously feel like such an idiot for not realizing what was going on with him. This was after I had been confronted with several clues that he was having an affair. I guess I was just in denial and just kept pushing forward with trying to make our marriage good again.
Obviously from the text of the email, she had a bit of an issue with him going away with me. Since he promised to keep her up to date on "what I was up to." Funny, I didn't know I was up to something. As far as I knew I was being his wife, his partner. I didn't know that his girlfriend was jealous that he "had" to spend time with me. I am such a thoughtless bitch! Next time I will try to take her feelings into account when I plan a trip with my husband....uh no.
I think of a specific time that weekend, and I know he was appeasing her anger and talking to her. We went to an amusement park that weekend. We often go as a family, but I thought it would be fun to go as a couple just once. We had been there a couple of hours and his phone was going crazy with pings signalling emails and texts. I was used to this, because it was his work phone and people are always contacting him. I really didn't think much about it at the time. Now I know it was her and she was PISSED that he was having to ignore her. He told me he had to go to the restroom, so I sat down on a bench and waited on him. I waited there for 35 minutes! I had left my cell phone in the car so I couldn't call him. I was afraid to go looking for him because of how crowded it was that day. I thought I might not see him and it would take hours to find each other. So I sat there and waited, and waited, and waited. When he FINALLY came back he said his stomach had been upset. At the time I took his comment at face value. Now I know that he was calling her and trying to calm her down.
We have been doing well in our marriage lately. Unfortunately, my injured heart just keeps waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am learning to trust again, but it is a long process. I just can't let everything go yet, the injury is just too deep. I can forgive, but the forget part is far more difficult!
Until next time, Hugs!
Its One thing to be 200 miles away in another state,
Its one thing to go a weekend, Its one thing to go a simple day.
But I will have gone 20 days without looking into your beautiful eyes.
20 days without looking at your sexy body!
21 days since my lips grazed yours.
I think today has been harder because I am so close, yet so far away!
My heart is already pounding in my throat thinking about seeing you Monday.
I have missed you like you will never know and cannot wait to be in you presence again.
I just hope I can control myself!!
I will sneak pings to you as much as I can this weekend and definitely let you know what she is up to!
I just know one thing, I hope to never go through another 2 weeks like this last one unless you are with me!
Just wanted to tell you how I was feeling this very moment
TOY & U with all my heart 4-ever and ever!
END TEXT
Lovely isn't it? First off I want to say I typed that EXACTLY the way he had it written. I try not to write like I am in 7th grade. Their hundreds of letters, emails, and texts remind me of just that, a couple of teenagers with an infatuation. Most of them make me want to lose my lunch. I really believe that affairs make people stupid.
7th grade angst aside, this email absolutely crushed me. I still cry when I read it. This email was written moments before he left on a weekend getaway with me. We had been supposedly working on our marriage and trying to put a spark back in it. I felt it was important to get away with just us since having 4 kids can take up A LOT of time. I had arranged for us to get away just the two of us.
It makes me absolutely sick that he wrote this to her just minutes before we left. He had been gone on a business trip to TX for a few weeks and I was excited to see him. I had looked forward to this time together for weeks, obviously he was more worried about not seeing his whore. Wow! It is sad, but I thought we had a lovely time that weekend. At the time, I thought we were working on us being a solid couple again. Little did I know, that it was all a LIE. We stayed at a lake house that had very poor cell service. He had to go out to his truck to make cell calls because he had a booster on it. I know that some of those legitimate calls he made included a quick 'Ping" to her. I seriously feel like such an idiot for not realizing what was going on with him. This was after I had been confronted with several clues that he was having an affair. I guess I was just in denial and just kept pushing forward with trying to make our marriage good again.
Obviously from the text of the email, she had a bit of an issue with him going away with me. Since he promised to keep her up to date on "what I was up to." Funny, I didn't know I was up to something. As far as I knew I was being his wife, his partner. I didn't know that his girlfriend was jealous that he "had" to spend time with me. I am such a thoughtless bitch! Next time I will try to take her feelings into account when I plan a trip with my husband....uh no.
I think of a specific time that weekend, and I know he was appeasing her anger and talking to her. We went to an amusement park that weekend. We often go as a family, but I thought it would be fun to go as a couple just once. We had been there a couple of hours and his phone was going crazy with pings signalling emails and texts. I was used to this, because it was his work phone and people are always contacting him. I really didn't think much about it at the time. Now I know it was her and she was PISSED that he was having to ignore her. He told me he had to go to the restroom, so I sat down on a bench and waited on him. I waited there for 35 minutes! I had left my cell phone in the car so I couldn't call him. I was afraid to go looking for him because of how crowded it was that day. I thought I might not see him and it would take hours to find each other. So I sat there and waited, and waited, and waited. When he FINALLY came back he said his stomach had been upset. At the time I took his comment at face value. Now I know that he was calling her and trying to calm her down.
We have been doing well in our marriage lately. Unfortunately, my injured heart just keeps waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am learning to trust again, but it is a long process. I just can't let everything go yet, the injury is just too deep. I can forgive, but the forget part is far more difficult!
Until next time, Hugs!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
What does recovery say to my kids?
Hello everyone,
I have not forgotten about this blog or suddenly feel completely whole again. Over the last month I have typed out numerous posts and deleted them. What can I say? Some days the words just don't come to me.
Recovering a marriage after infidelity is so incredibly hard, but the affair is not all encompassing in my life anymore. I have a few days where I don't want to punch them both in the throat. ;) Okay, that was a little spiteful, but it was truthful.
Lately, I have one question that drifts around in my brain. I push it down, but it keeps resurfacing. What have I taught my children by staying with their father after he betrayed me? He cheated on me, told incredible lies about me, and most of all he was ready to abandon his children for another woman. Have I taught my sons that it is okay to be unfaithful in your marriage. It is okay to blame your wife for your unhappiness therefore it is okay to cheat on her? Have I taught my daughter that you can't demand and expect fidelity in your marriage? Did I teach them that betrayal in marriage is to be expected and accepted?
They do not know exactly what happened between their Dad and I, but they know that something occurred. I did everything in my power to protect them from the horrible reality of my life. Total broken hearts are hard to hide even for the best actress.
I have not forgotten about this blog or suddenly feel completely whole again. Over the last month I have typed out numerous posts and deleted them. What can I say? Some days the words just don't come to me.
Recovering a marriage after infidelity is so incredibly hard, but the affair is not all encompassing in my life anymore. I have a few days where I don't want to punch them both in the throat. ;) Okay, that was a little spiteful, but it was truthful.
Lately, I have one question that drifts around in my brain. I push it down, but it keeps resurfacing. What have I taught my children by staying with their father after he betrayed me? He cheated on me, told incredible lies about me, and most of all he was ready to abandon his children for another woman. Have I taught my sons that it is okay to be unfaithful in your marriage. It is okay to blame your wife for your unhappiness therefore it is okay to cheat on her? Have I taught my daughter that you can't demand and expect fidelity in your marriage? Did I teach them that betrayal in marriage is to be expected and accepted?
They do not know exactly what happened between their Dad and I, but they know that something occurred. I did everything in my power to protect them from the horrible reality of my life. Total broken hearts are hard to hide even for the best actress.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A letter to the OW from my Husband
This is one of the hundreds of emails that I found between my husband and his girlfriend. There is so much in this one that just slaps me in the face because I know what was going on in my life at this time. Affairs are so selfish and unfair. It just makes me so depressed sometimes because it just hits me that this is what my life is now. I do so many positive things in my life, but it always seems to come back to the affair. I know time will dull the ache, I'm just waiting for it to happen. I haven't corrected any spelling or grammar it is written just as the email reads.
Dearest Jennifer,
Re: Masks
Yesterday when you were having a rough time your text to me said " I hate everything and I am tired of putting on a mask everyday you have no idea how miserable I am when I get home!"
Yes I do know how miserable you are, I know exactly how miserable you are, I know because I am that miserable every single day I come home, only I have to keep my mask on all day and all night. I do that for YOU! As I said, what keeps me sain in all the maddness is reaching out to you. When we have communications like we did last night, I get to take my mask off, and its the most wonderful feeling in the world. There is no way I could ever be in the same room with you and be unaware of exactly whats going on with you. I feel you when I am not in the same county as you, much less the same state!
You are much too beautiful inside and out, much too kind. much too wonderful to have to ever put on a mask.
Life isn't always about waiting for the storm to pass, sometimes its about learning to dance in the rain.
You are in my heart forever.
END TEXT
This is one of the less hurtful emails, most of them at least mention me as the enemy. This one just eludes to me being the reason he is so miserable. The affair fog is such crap. I'll share more of the emails that really put a light on what their affair was like. This email is significant because it is the day after I caught him texting her in the middle of the night. Their communications the night before was at 2 AM and my husband said it was work related. Yep, dear I'm stupid...not! The next day she actually had to the nerve to call him while he was spending time with his kids. Another female coworker was going to ride with him to an out of town meeting, and she was NOT going to have it! She was having a tirade (that I could hear) that he was not allowed to let this coworker ride with him! He actually said in the middle of the tirade, "I'll take care of it, but I am at HOME right now and can't talk." Well honey, continue that conversation, it is really interesting that a "friend" cares that much who you are riding with to the meeting.
Lord help us.
Dearest Jennifer,
Re: Masks
Yesterday when you were having a rough time your text to me said " I hate everything and I am tired of putting on a mask everyday you have no idea how miserable I am when I get home!"
Yes I do know how miserable you are, I know exactly how miserable you are, I know because I am that miserable every single day I come home, only I have to keep my mask on all day and all night. I do that for YOU! As I said, what keeps me sain in all the maddness is reaching out to you. When we have communications like we did last night, I get to take my mask off, and its the most wonderful feeling in the world. There is no way I could ever be in the same room with you and be unaware of exactly whats going on with you. I feel you when I am not in the same county as you, much less the same state!
You are much too beautiful inside and out, much too kind. much too wonderful to have to ever put on a mask.
Life isn't always about waiting for the storm to pass, sometimes its about learning to dance in the rain.
You are in my heart forever.
END TEXT
This is one of the less hurtful emails, most of them at least mention me as the enemy. This one just eludes to me being the reason he is so miserable. The affair fog is such crap. I'll share more of the emails that really put a light on what their affair was like. This email is significant because it is the day after I caught him texting her in the middle of the night. Their communications the night before was at 2 AM and my husband said it was work related. Yep, dear I'm stupid...not! The next day she actually had to the nerve to call him while he was spending time with his kids. Another female coworker was going to ride with him to an out of town meeting, and she was NOT going to have it! She was having a tirade (that I could hear) that he was not allowed to let this coworker ride with him! He actually said in the middle of the tirade, "I'll take care of it, but I am at HOME right now and can't talk." Well honey, continue that conversation, it is really interesting that a "friend" cares that much who you are riding with to the meeting.
Lord help us.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
My Birthday
Well yesterday was my Birthday. As many days post affair...it kinda sucked. It is just a reminder to me that I am aging and my husband had an affair with a younger woman. His half- hearted attempts to make my birthday nice failed. He got me a cake, flowers and a gift the day before, but I think I am just still too scarred. Yesterday, he really just did nothing to make me feel special. I mean, I even cooked dinner just like EVERY. OTHER. NIGHT. Would it have killed him to cook dinner FOR ME for once? Anyway, I digress. I do have an actual reason behind my post today. :)
I had something happen last night that made start to wonder if the affair will ever fade to the background and stay there? My son was telling a funny story at dinner last night about a pretty personal issue that I had saved him from after church camp. It was the Summer of 2010 when my husband was in the big, fat middle of his affair. The story was hilarious and I was just listening to it and I wasn't really thinking about when it occurred, I wasn't thinking about the affair at all. Then.... my husband asked " where in the world was I, why was your Mother the one saving you?" Then it hit me... he wasn't there because he was with HER. I know for a fact because of their emails that they were together this particular night. My Son just looked at him and said, I have no idea, you were never there that summer, I guess you were at work. I think at that moment it dawned on him where he was during this little scene in life. I just looked at him and cocked my eyebrow. He knew that at that moment I was remembering EXACTLY where he was that night.
It is sad to me that the most innocent things slap the affair into my face. It just brought it all back to the surface for me last night. As always it made me very emotional. I started throwing myself a pity party.... basically my husband cheated on me and my birthday sucks....poor me. I know, not pretty! I am pretty much over it today, but it does bring up the question. Will I every be safe from this affair hitting me in the face?"
God Bless you guys. May He guide us all through this mine field.
I had something happen last night that made start to wonder if the affair will ever fade to the background and stay there? My son was telling a funny story at dinner last night about a pretty personal issue that I had saved him from after church camp. It was the Summer of 2010 when my husband was in the big, fat middle of his affair. The story was hilarious and I was just listening to it and I wasn't really thinking about when it occurred, I wasn't thinking about the affair at all. Then.... my husband asked " where in the world was I, why was your Mother the one saving you?" Then it hit me... he wasn't there because he was with HER. I know for a fact because of their emails that they were together this particular night. My Son just looked at him and said, I have no idea, you were never there that summer, I guess you were at work. I think at that moment it dawned on him where he was during this little scene in life. I just looked at him and cocked my eyebrow. He knew that at that moment I was remembering EXACTLY where he was that night.
It is sad to me that the most innocent things slap the affair into my face. It just brought it all back to the surface for me last night. As always it made me very emotional. I started throwing myself a pity party.... basically my husband cheated on me and my birthday sucks....poor me. I know, not pretty! I am pretty much over it today, but it does bring up the question. Will I every be safe from this affair hitting me in the face?"
God Bless you guys. May He guide us all through this mine field.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
What the Affair has done FOR me
I had a hard time even typing that title. Usually this blog is about what the affair has done TO me and how I cope, but today I have decided to write a little about what I have learned and gained. If you recently discovered your spouse's affair this post may just upset you. I am working off almost two years post D-Day and I know that just a couple of months ago I wouldn't have even been able to type the title. Fresh pain prohibited it, and this process of healing can bring on fresh pain daily. However today I am feeling healthy and strong so I decided to put out there what I have been thinking about for a little while now. Tomorrow, I may feel totally different, but you know I will tell you that in honesty, also.
First off let me say, I will NEVER say that his affair is the best thing that happened to our marriage. Betrayal of marital trust is never going to be the best thing for me, EVER. I did grow and learn from the experience. Foremost my husband and I have a fresh start. Any anger and frustration we had bottled up about each other has been thrown out to discuss. One of our greatest challenges in our marriage is we didn't talk it out, we just got mad and bottled it inside to fester. For the first several months after D-Day I felt like I was walking on eggshells trying to not rock the boat. I finally got over the feeling and have actually found my voice again. If he doesn't love me being myself, I don't want his love. It is about unconditional love for me, I am strong enough to take no less now. I went through the stage of actually being afraid he'd leave me alone, now I am past that feeling. I love him, but I am strong enough to go it alone. I don't have to settle for less than I need in my marriage. In return, I am now open to him telling me what he needs in our marriage. I am better at listening to his needs and either acting on them or telling him what I can and cannot give him.
My husband totally took me for granted. He took that I would be a good Mother and Wife as a given that he deserved. I have discussed that he had a bad "baby of a large family syndrome." Over the past 3 months he seems to really "get" that he doesn't deserve all the things I do in this marriage, he is BLESSED that I freely give it. I finally have a husband that seems to understand that my hard work in this marriage must be answered with his own work. Marriage is beyond hard and I finally feel like I am not the only one paddling against the current to get there. I'll admit that before the affair, I was getting bitter about being the one that always seemed to work and sacrifice to make the marriage work. He used the bitterness (that he caused) to excuse his affair. Now I truly believe he finally realized that there is no excuse for infidelity. Marriage is about trust, commitment, and work. You have to be able to trust each other, commit to the good and the bad times, and be willing to work on the problems between you. Before the affair my husband really didn't do any of those things. Now he is willing to see himself as less than perfect and come into the marriage to work.
Finally, we really just made a conscience effort to enjoy each other and our life. I see a change in him. He seems to finally realize what a blessed life he leads. We are back to being friends again. We laugh with each other and really enjoy our kids together. He had become so distant from our marriage and from our kids. I wasn't sure that he could salvage those relationships. He has worked to salvage not only our marriage relationship, but his relationship with his kids. That has earned a lot of respect from me that he had lost. I hurt so badly when I saw him emotionally abandoning our children. I am so thankful he saw how important we should be in his life.
All this being said, I know that my journey is far from over. Trust and forgiveness is not something that is rebuilt overnight. Just because I can see the good that has come from the aftermath of this horrible situation does not mean I am healed. My heart is still broken, just healing. It also doesn't mean that I am thankful the affair happened. I am thankful of some of the changes that came from the aftermath of the affair. I am thankful we were able to grow together. That growth has been hard fought. Mostly I am thankful that I realized that I am stronger than I ever imagined.I am thankful that my husband saw the reasons he should fight to save our marriage and be ready to fight the fight. God Bless all of us that have been through this horrible situation.
First off let me say, I will NEVER say that his affair is the best thing that happened to our marriage. Betrayal of marital trust is never going to be the best thing for me, EVER. I did grow and learn from the experience. Foremost my husband and I have a fresh start. Any anger and frustration we had bottled up about each other has been thrown out to discuss. One of our greatest challenges in our marriage is we didn't talk it out, we just got mad and bottled it inside to fester. For the first several months after D-Day I felt like I was walking on eggshells trying to not rock the boat. I finally got over the feeling and have actually found my voice again. If he doesn't love me being myself, I don't want his love. It is about unconditional love for me, I am strong enough to take no less now. I went through the stage of actually being afraid he'd leave me alone, now I am past that feeling. I love him, but I am strong enough to go it alone. I don't have to settle for less than I need in my marriage. In return, I am now open to him telling me what he needs in our marriage. I am better at listening to his needs and either acting on them or telling him what I can and cannot give him.
My husband totally took me for granted. He took that I would be a good Mother and Wife as a given that he deserved. I have discussed that he had a bad "baby of a large family syndrome." Over the past 3 months he seems to really "get" that he doesn't deserve all the things I do in this marriage, he is BLESSED that I freely give it. I finally have a husband that seems to understand that my hard work in this marriage must be answered with his own work. Marriage is beyond hard and I finally feel like I am not the only one paddling against the current to get there. I'll admit that before the affair, I was getting bitter about being the one that always seemed to work and sacrifice to make the marriage work. He used the bitterness (that he caused) to excuse his affair. Now I truly believe he finally realized that there is no excuse for infidelity. Marriage is about trust, commitment, and work. You have to be able to trust each other, commit to the good and the bad times, and be willing to work on the problems between you. Before the affair my husband really didn't do any of those things. Now he is willing to see himself as less than perfect and come into the marriage to work.
Finally, we really just made a conscience effort to enjoy each other and our life. I see a change in him. He seems to finally realize what a blessed life he leads. We are back to being friends again. We laugh with each other and really enjoy our kids together. He had become so distant from our marriage and from our kids. I wasn't sure that he could salvage those relationships. He has worked to salvage not only our marriage relationship, but his relationship with his kids. That has earned a lot of respect from me that he had lost. I hurt so badly when I saw him emotionally abandoning our children. I am so thankful he saw how important we should be in his life.
All this being said, I know that my journey is far from over. Trust and forgiveness is not something that is rebuilt overnight. Just because I can see the good that has come from the aftermath of this horrible situation does not mean I am healed. My heart is still broken, just healing. It also doesn't mean that I am thankful the affair happened. I am thankful of some of the changes that came from the aftermath of the affair. I am thankful we were able to grow together. That growth has been hard fought. Mostly I am thankful that I realized that I am stronger than I ever imagined.I am thankful that my husband saw the reasons he should fight to save our marriage and be ready to fight the fight. God Bless all of us that have been through this horrible situation.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
I do NOT love Valentine's Day
It is that time of year. The time when you cannot go into ANY store without seeing hearts, candies, and flowers proclaiming I Love You! Blah! I have never really liked Valentine's Day. It just seems like a way for corporations to make money. The only store I would want to help would be a hometown florist. I am all about helping small business. Otherwise, just blah to Valentine's Day.
Now as a betrayed spouse, I really HATE this time of year. This is my second V-Day post D-Day. It just triggers me right and left. Last year my husband lied to me on V-Day. I just never got him to admit he lied because I am almost positive he bought her a gift. He was supposed to be No Contact with his affair partner at this time...but you all know how that goes. Mr. Romance gave me the receipt from my valentine's gift because he bought it with our joint checking debit card. On it was an extra amount of cash back. Normally, not a big deal, but it was a big deal on Valentine's Day. When I asked about it, he said he went to lunch that day at a certain restaurant downtown that only took cash. He was supposedly with a man that he worked with in his office.
Fast-forward two days when he starts telling me a story about going to eat at this new place on Valentine's Day with his male co-worker. He goes into GREAT detail about this new place. You know, so many details that it really seems like he is trying to cover up something. I didn't even say anything. I just gave him a look that told him I knew he was betraying me yet again. I am not stupid, it is about time he figured that out. I am hyper sensitive to his lies, I don't fall for anything anymore. I'm not sure if he took her out to lunch "as friends" or if he bought her a gift last year. I am sure that the extra money involved her. He proved it by being sure to tell me the elaborate story about lunch when I didn't ask. It is called distraction, honey, and I don't buy it.
He was (maybe is) so obsessed with how perfect he feels their relationship was during the affair. He was so deep in the fog that he couldn't see what was reality. I know from the emails between them that their relationship was very unhealthy. ( aside from the fact that it was infidelity and WRONG even) She constantly pushed him away and was super moody. Crazy mood swings, like manic episodes. Yet he begged her back time and time again. Told her things like he couldn't live without her. They both talked about suicide. Craziness that I just don't understand. He accepted behavior from her that was really over the top, yet during that time he would take offense to EVERYTHING I did. He lied about me to her. It just showed me that he lied to her as much as he lied to me, but he was kind to her. He was hideously cruel to me and our children.
I know this post is all over the place, but today is just a huge trigger. A trigger to relive that pain and make it feel new all over again. God Bless all of you, Happy Valentine's Day...LOL
Now as a betrayed spouse, I really HATE this time of year. This is my second V-Day post D-Day. It just triggers me right and left. Last year my husband lied to me on V-Day. I just never got him to admit he lied because I am almost positive he bought her a gift. He was supposed to be No Contact with his affair partner at this time...but you all know how that goes. Mr. Romance gave me the receipt from my valentine's gift because he bought it with our joint checking debit card. On it was an extra amount of cash back. Normally, not a big deal, but it was a big deal on Valentine's Day. When I asked about it, he said he went to lunch that day at a certain restaurant downtown that only took cash. He was supposedly with a man that he worked with in his office.
Fast-forward two days when he starts telling me a story about going to eat at this new place on Valentine's Day with his male co-worker. He goes into GREAT detail about this new place. You know, so many details that it really seems like he is trying to cover up something. I didn't even say anything. I just gave him a look that told him I knew he was betraying me yet again. I am not stupid, it is about time he figured that out. I am hyper sensitive to his lies, I don't fall for anything anymore. I'm not sure if he took her out to lunch "as friends" or if he bought her a gift last year. I am sure that the extra money involved her. He proved it by being sure to tell me the elaborate story about lunch when I didn't ask. It is called distraction, honey, and I don't buy it.
He was (maybe is) so obsessed with how perfect he feels their relationship was during the affair. He was so deep in the fog that he couldn't see what was reality. I know from the emails between them that their relationship was very unhealthy. ( aside from the fact that it was infidelity and WRONG even) She constantly pushed him away and was super moody. Crazy mood swings, like manic episodes. Yet he begged her back time and time again. Told her things like he couldn't live without her. They both talked about suicide. Craziness that I just don't understand. He accepted behavior from her that was really over the top, yet during that time he would take offense to EVERYTHING I did. He lied about me to her. It just showed me that he lied to her as much as he lied to me, but he was kind to her. He was hideously cruel to me and our children.
I know this post is all over the place, but today is just a huge trigger. A trigger to relive that pain and make it feel new all over again. God Bless all of you, Happy Valentine's Day...LOL
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Comparing yourself to the other woman
Yep, I have found myself doing it, though not as much lately. I try not to give HER any space in my brain or in my life. When my husband was in the middle of the affair he was constantly on me to cut my very long hair. He said he loved my hair short, he said that he really wasn't a long hair guy. I loved my long hair, but it grows super fast and I like to donate it to a hair donation organization for terminal hair loss in children. I have donated 7 times now. My Mother lost her battle with cancer, and it is a cause dear to my heart. I made an appointment for myself and my daughter and we both donated 10 inches of our hair. We came away with super cute short cuts, and I wasn't totally sad to lose my long hair.
Skip ahead almost a year when I have outed his affair. I come across a million pictures of her on my husbands phone. Guess what? I swear her hair was exactly like my long hair. It was almost as if she took a picture of me to her hair stylist and asked for my hair. It made me sick. He was pushing me to cut my hair all the while his girlfriend had identical hair. What? I have never figured it out. Maybe it made him uncomfortable to have his wife and girlfriend look so much alike. Seriously, even the color was the same as mine.
This just pushed my compare myself to his girlfriend mode into overdrive! I mean I obsessed over how much she was like me, and how there MUST be something superior about her. He wrote love letters to her and they told one another "they completed each other." Yes, that made me gag, too. She had to have something better than me, right? She was younger and thinner than me, so I dieted and became OBSESSED with my age. I have always been comfortable with my age. I feel blessed by the years I am given. No more, I cursed every line on my face and lump on my thigh.
It took me a year to realize, we are no comparison. I am NOT an adulterer. I am faithful to my husband and my family. I may have battle scars from age, but I earned them with grace. I would never put myself so far above others that I would ruin two innocent families. There is no comparison and I am the better woman. SHE actually said to me when all this was going down that I deserved it because I thought I was so much better than her. This was my " Ah Ha!" moment. I had never believed in my entire life that I was better than anyone, but I was better than her. I am far from perfect, but what she did was horrible. She probably to this day feels no remorse. So yes, I think there is no comparison. I am the better woman.
Skip ahead almost a year when I have outed his affair. I come across a million pictures of her on my husbands phone. Guess what? I swear her hair was exactly like my long hair. It was almost as if she took a picture of me to her hair stylist and asked for my hair. It made me sick. He was pushing me to cut my hair all the while his girlfriend had identical hair. What? I have never figured it out. Maybe it made him uncomfortable to have his wife and girlfriend look so much alike. Seriously, even the color was the same as mine.
This just pushed my compare myself to his girlfriend mode into overdrive! I mean I obsessed over how much she was like me, and how there MUST be something superior about her. He wrote love letters to her and they told one another "they completed each other." Yes, that made me gag, too. She had to have something better than me, right? She was younger and thinner than me, so I dieted and became OBSESSED with my age. I have always been comfortable with my age. I feel blessed by the years I am given. No more, I cursed every line on my face and lump on my thigh.
It took me a year to realize, we are no comparison. I am NOT an adulterer. I am faithful to my husband and my family. I may have battle scars from age, but I earned them with grace. I would never put myself so far above others that I would ruin two innocent families. There is no comparison and I am the better woman. SHE actually said to me when all this was going down that I deserved it because I thought I was so much better than her. This was my " Ah Ha!" moment. I had never believed in my entire life that I was better than anyone, but I was better than her. I am far from perfect, but what she did was horrible. She probably to this day feels no remorse. So yes, I think there is no comparison. I am the better woman.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Anger!
This is just a random thought today. I am not actually angry at any one aspect of the affair. I am just wondering if any of you have been able to say in truth that you have let go of the anger you feel. The pain of my husband's affair is always in the background everyday. It has been there for so long that I am "used" to it being there around almost every corner. It is the anger that I have problems with understanding, excepting, and letting it go. I have NEVER had anger issues previous to the affair. It is an understatement to say I was laid back and easy going. Maybe that is why the anger is so shocking to me. I can be so bitterly angry towards my husband, and I don't entirely understand it since I really do love him. I just have these moments where I think of something he did during or after the affair and I get so mad! Don't even get me started on how angry I get when I think of the OW. I have no reason to even pretend that I like her, so wow I get angry when I think of her. I know, I know, I have to let go of the anger to move on with my life. Easier said than done, and that's the truth!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Another Painful Anniversary
After your spouse has an affair you will likely have a lot of painful Anniversaries of different dates that just about knock you off your feet. January 11 would be my baby's 1st birthday. I am BLESSED to have 4 babies here on earth with me, but that doesn't make me any less sad to think of my babies in Heaven. This particular baby weighs on my heart because she was conceived and lost while my husband was having an affair with another woman.
I will NEVER forget the feelings that fell over me that early May day in 2010 when I figured out I was pregnant. I have 4 children, but achieving and maintaining a pregnancy has never been a piece of cake for me. Yet, here I was pregnant without intervention and SO scared. You see, I didn't have proof at this point, but I knew my husband was cheating on me. I knew he thought everyday about leaving me and his kids for HER. I knew that he would NOT see this baby as a blessing. I knew that he would not love this life inside me as he should. It is a powerfully sad realization, I can tell you.
I was 8 weeks pregnant and went to see my Sweet OB. He found a heartbeat on ultrasound and told me to figure out what I wanted to do about my marriage. He told me pointblank that my current state of mind was not good for the baby or me. It was a blessing to find the heartbeat. I have looked at a screen with a still heart or a sac without a baby. My entire family was going to Disney World at the end of the month, and my doctor gave his blessing. All looked fine with the baby, and maybe the trip could revive my marriage.
I continued to be incredibly stressed and never told my husband. It was just so obvious that he didn't give a damn about me and would not welcome another baby. I was good enough to have sex with to meet his needs, but I wasn't good enough to love. So with a heavy heart I actually researched abortion clinics. Yep, that's right, the woman who loves her children beyond measure actually thought of killing one of them. It was probably the darkest moment in my life. I was so desperate and scared, I thought of killing an innocent child. I didn't go through with it; It was not something I could do even in my darkest hour. I just started planning on being a single mother of 5. I knew I was done sharing my husband.
At the end of May we all loaded into a plane and headed to WDW. I was so excited. I wanted my kids to LOVE it and hopefully my husband would realize how blessed he was by his family. This did not turn out to be the case. On May 25th ( my deceased Momma's birthday) I caught him texting back and forth with her like a teenage girl. It made me SICK! He played it off like no big deal. I wanted to throw that phone out the window or implant it in his stupid head. The next day he handed me a necklace to pay for when I was checking out with some souvenirs for the kids. He said he was taking her a souvenir because she had just found out she had a disease that was going to kill her. ( she to this day looks pretty well to me). I really just wanted to die at that point. He was having an affair AND he was making ME pay for HER gifts. Can there be a bigger slap in the face?
The next day, I started bleeding heavily. I knew I was miscarrying. I called my doctor and he told me just to watch out for the signs I knew too well that I needed medical help. So I put a smile on my face and headed out to the park with my kids. It was so hot an I was so weak and dizzy. I started to think I needed help, but in true loving fashion my husband was clueless. I was so devastated. I never bothered to tell him about the precious life I had carried 10 and 1/2 weeks. What was the point? He just didn't care. He was in the affair fog that made him believe that all his unhappiness was my fault and Jennifer was the cure for it. Yep, that is her name. I have no reason to protect her.
So the life that I had thought of taking was gone. I to this day feel an unbelievable guilt. Could I have been the cause? Could my grief and mental anguish killed this precious life? My doctor checked me out when I got home. I had a complete miscarriage. I buried that sad proof in my back yard in Arkansas. A baby I anguished over having, now was gone and the anguish was worse than I thought was possible. My due date was 1-11-11. A really neat date for sure, and a date a will never forget. I did eventually tell my husband after I had outed his affair. In true selfish fashion he really didn't even mourn. He was still so deep in his affair fog that really he just didn't see my pain. This baby was a part of him and he just didn't get it. So Happy Birthday sweet baby, I am so sorry.
I will NEVER forget the feelings that fell over me that early May day in 2010 when I figured out I was pregnant. I have 4 children, but achieving and maintaining a pregnancy has never been a piece of cake for me. Yet, here I was pregnant without intervention and SO scared. You see, I didn't have proof at this point, but I knew my husband was cheating on me. I knew he thought everyday about leaving me and his kids for HER. I knew that he would NOT see this baby as a blessing. I knew that he would not love this life inside me as he should. It is a powerfully sad realization, I can tell you.
I was 8 weeks pregnant and went to see my Sweet OB. He found a heartbeat on ultrasound and told me to figure out what I wanted to do about my marriage. He told me pointblank that my current state of mind was not good for the baby or me. It was a blessing to find the heartbeat. I have looked at a screen with a still heart or a sac without a baby. My entire family was going to Disney World at the end of the month, and my doctor gave his blessing. All looked fine with the baby, and maybe the trip could revive my marriage.
I continued to be incredibly stressed and never told my husband. It was just so obvious that he didn't give a damn about me and would not welcome another baby. I was good enough to have sex with to meet his needs, but I wasn't good enough to love. So with a heavy heart I actually researched abortion clinics. Yep, that's right, the woman who loves her children beyond measure actually thought of killing one of them. It was probably the darkest moment in my life. I was so desperate and scared, I thought of killing an innocent child. I didn't go through with it; It was not something I could do even in my darkest hour. I just started planning on being a single mother of 5. I knew I was done sharing my husband.
At the end of May we all loaded into a plane and headed to WDW. I was so excited. I wanted my kids to LOVE it and hopefully my husband would realize how blessed he was by his family. This did not turn out to be the case. On May 25th ( my deceased Momma's birthday) I caught him texting back and forth with her like a teenage girl. It made me SICK! He played it off like no big deal. I wanted to throw that phone out the window or implant it in his stupid head. The next day he handed me a necklace to pay for when I was checking out with some souvenirs for the kids. He said he was taking her a souvenir because she had just found out she had a disease that was going to kill her. ( she to this day looks pretty well to me). I really just wanted to die at that point. He was having an affair AND he was making ME pay for HER gifts. Can there be a bigger slap in the face?
The next day, I started bleeding heavily. I knew I was miscarrying. I called my doctor and he told me just to watch out for the signs I knew too well that I needed medical help. So I put a smile on my face and headed out to the park with my kids. It was so hot an I was so weak and dizzy. I started to think I needed help, but in true loving fashion my husband was clueless. I was so devastated. I never bothered to tell him about the precious life I had carried 10 and 1/2 weeks. What was the point? He just didn't care. He was in the affair fog that made him believe that all his unhappiness was my fault and Jennifer was the cure for it. Yep, that is her name. I have no reason to protect her.
So the life that I had thought of taking was gone. I to this day feel an unbelievable guilt. Could I have been the cause? Could my grief and mental anguish killed this precious life? My doctor checked me out when I got home. I had a complete miscarriage. I buried that sad proof in my back yard in Arkansas. A baby I anguished over having, now was gone and the anguish was worse than I thought was possible. My due date was 1-11-11. A really neat date for sure, and a date a will never forget. I did eventually tell my husband after I had outed his affair. In true selfish fashion he really didn't even mourn. He was still so deep in his affair fog that really he just didn't see my pain. This baby was a part of him and he just didn't get it. So Happy Birthday sweet baby, I am so sorry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)