Mrs. Personality

I changed the name of the blog to better describe what it is about. I do still see myself as Mrs. Personality. The story behind it is simple really, it is a comment made by my husband in one of his many love-fest emails to Mrs. Cheatsalot. I'll try to quote his exact words. " I will try to call you in the morning while you get ready if I can get away from Mrs. Personality." Apparently they has a daily gab fest in the morning while she was dressing for work and he was driving the 60 miles to work. He kept leaving earlier and earlier so he would have time to talk to her. Her husband was already hard at work so she was free to talk. The morning he was referring to was a Friday that he happened to be off work. He thought I was fooled when he always volunteered to take the kids to school on those days off. I am not stupid, dear. I know how long it takes to drive less than 2 miles to drop off the kids...even if you had to pump gas it does NOT take 30 minutes. I hope you enjoyed your talk.....Jerk. I get so angry thinking of those times. All the phone calls, lunches, meetings, emails, and texts. Proclaiming their love for one another over and over again, while I waited at home for even ONE kind word, text, or email.

The Mrs. Personality thing just rubbed me all kinds of the wrong way. Sorry Dear that I wasn't sweet and in a fabulous mood, MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME. Trust me it is a mood killer every time.

I choose Joy

There is a wonderful blog I follow and I stole my title from something she mentioned. She has been through more in her less than 30 years on earth that I can't imagine. Yet, she is fantastic and she really and truly seeks joy in life. She doesn't ask for sympathy for her life she asks that everyone look for the blessings of life.

It is hard to always find the joy. Some days, I admit, that I struggle to find any joy in my situation. But then I listen to one of my children laugh and I know that life will go on with or without me. I prefer to live life not let it pass me in the fast lane.

And then it hits me

I am not loved like I deserve. My husband does not look at me and tell me he can't live without me. I do not have that kind of love. I truthfully think that someone that has been faithful, birthed your four children, been supportive of your insane job change, and dealt with your midlife crisis, deserves the best love has to offer. What I get is nothing like that, I get leftovers. He was totally obsessed with his affair partner...sometimes I think he still is obsessed with her. He wrote her love letters..never sent ONE to me. He told her he would love her forever and NEVER give up on "them".... never said that to me. He bought her and her children gifts.....until this year he never purchased a gift for our children and well his gifts to me are always impersonal. For my birthday the year he was in the middle of the affair he gave me a portable computer desk. Oh be still my beating heart. He gave her a love letter and a picture of Scarlett and Rhett because theirs too was a love that would last forever. The picture was a movie still that I had given HIM! Jerk!!

I never feel beautiful or loved. Am I wrong to feel like I deserve that from my husband? The only true love I feel like I get is from my kids. My 5 year old regularly tells me I am beautiful. Not the same, but it makes me smile. I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone. It hurts my heart that the someone is not my husband. Sorry, I am negative today. Sometimes the hurt just gets to me. The unfair aspect of an affair can just sneak up on you from everywhere.

Love to anyone out there feeling this hurt. I am sorry.