Hang on folks, the first post of the new year is a dozy. Let me just start by saying that my marriage is still a work in progress, some days I'm still not sure I can survive and move past his affair. I have so many emotions that swing from forgiveness and the absolute knowledge I can move past the affair, and then they swing to I can never get over this, the pain inflicted is just too great.
Last April I saw my OB/GYN for a large cyst on my right ovary that was found on a CT scan for my chronic pancreatitis. Before I could get an appointment after the CT finding the cyst had ruptured taking my ovary with it. The ultrasound showed that my left ovary was also in my doctor's words "a mess." Further bloodwork showed that my hormones indicated that my egg count was zero. I was officially out of the baby business. Even if I wanted to go through IVF there was less than 1% chance that egg retrieval would be possible. I was great with this! My doctor acted like he was delivering bad news, but I didn't feel that way at all. I had 4 kids, they were healthy and I was thrilled with my completed family. Besides, I was not in a place in my marriage that I felt I could trust my husband enough to want to have another child.
Now here is where the story gets interesting, fast-forward to August and September when I skipped my period for no apparent reason. In August I didn't worry at all, I only have one ovary, so having a cycle every other month is perfectly normal. Then came the end of September, I started feeling awful, much like I feel sometimes with pancreatitis, just "different." You guessed it, my period never came in September either. I started getting the sinking feeling I was screwed. I was either dying of some horrible malady that I didn't know I had, or I was pregnant...crap! Welp, I'm not dying....at least not soon. Yep, as of today I am entering my 3rd trimester.
Those of you who know my story know that I had a miscarriage in the middle of my husband's affair. I had a miscarriage of a child that my husband did not want because he no longer wanted me or our children. He had found a younger, more exciting model that was his soul mate. Someone that lived in his fantasy world with him, the world of no kids, no mortgages, no stress, life was perfect in their world. This pregnancy has brought all the horrible feelings of that time back in crystal clear clarity. When I finally took that pregnancy test, it was like I was in the Summer of 2010 all over again. I never realized after 2 years and all the work I have done on myself that I could crash right back to that horrible time in an instant.
I started to feel exactly the same darkness and despair all over again, it was terrible. I should have started right then blogging again, getting it out there, talking it out. Instead, I buried myself deep in despair just like the weeks after DDay. It took me 4 months to admit to anyone except my husband that I was pregnant. I was deeply in denial, trying to protect myself. This baby didn't even seem like a real possibility until I saw her on ultrasound at 20 weeks. My husband has tried to understand my feelings, he got excited a lot quicker than I allowed myself. I was honest with him, and told him that pregnancy was probably the worst trigger of all when it came to his affair. I lived through hell that year, pure hell, and in the middle an innocent child died that I was carrying in my body. People do not always die in an affair literally, but someone died in his affair. I lost much more than my marriage, I lost a child. There is an angel baby that should have been celebrating her 2nd birthday on January 11th in my arms.
So here I am, 28 weeks pregnant, and starting over in some ways getting over his affair. I am much more vocal this time around about what my needs are, yet I'm pretty sure he just doesn't get it. I have never betrayed our vows, he can never understand. To him it is just something bad he did, that he has moved on from in his life. Some days I'm still not sure he is remorseful of the horrible things he put me through, or if the remorse is just that I caught him and nailed his ass to the wall. Some days are good and some days are bad, the bad ones are almost as bad as DDay 1,2, or 3. The interesting thing (if you can call it that) is I got pregnant almost to the day of the 1st anniversary of DDay 3. I'm trying to see it as God giving me a sign to keep moving forward. I should have never physically been able to conceive, surely that is God telling me something. I'm just moving forward and praying for guidance. I would have never seen my life like this 5 years ago, but it is my life and I have to live it. Just pray that I keep the strength to do it. Sometimes I think, " Lord, what else do you think I can shoulder in my broken marriage?" I ask you all to keep me in your prayers or just positive thoughts if you don't believe in prayers. I need all the strength I can get from all sources.
