Another Letter to the OW...

Subject: See You
Its One thing to be 200 miles away in another state,
Its one thing to go a weekend, Its one thing to go a simple day.
But I will have gone 20 days without looking into your beautiful eyes.
20 days without looking at your sexy body!
21 days since my lips grazed yours.

I think today has been harder because I am so close, yet so far away!

My heart is already pounding in my throat thinking about seeing you Monday.
I have missed you like you will never know and cannot wait to be in you presence again.
I just hope I can control myself!!

I will sneak pings to you as much as I can this weekend and definitely let you know what she is up to!

I just know one thing, I hope to never go through another 2 weeks like this last one unless you are with me!

Just wanted to tell you how I was feeling this very moment

TOY & U with all my heart 4-ever and ever!


END TEXT

Lovely isn't it? First off I want to say I typed that EXACTLY the way he had it written. I try not to write like I am in 7th grade. Their hundreds of letters, emails, and texts remind me of just that, a couple of teenagers with an infatuation. Most of them make me want to lose my lunch. I really believe that affairs make people stupid.

7th grade angst aside, this email absolutely crushed me. I still cry when I read it. This email was written moments before he left on a weekend getaway with me. We had been supposedly working on our marriage and trying to put a spark back in it. I felt it was important to get away with just us since having 4 kids can take up A LOT of time. I had arranged for us to get away just the two of us.

It makes me absolutely sick that he wrote this to her just minutes before we left. He had been gone on a business trip to TX for a few weeks and I was excited to see him. I had looked forward to this time together for weeks, obviously he was more worried about not seeing his whore. Wow! It is sad, but I thought we had a lovely time that weekend. At the time, I thought we were working on us being a solid couple again. Little did I know, that it was all a LIE. We stayed at a lake house that had very poor cell service. He had to go out to his truck to make cell calls because he had a booster on it. I know that some of those legitimate calls he made included a quick 'Ping" to her. I seriously feel like such an idiot for not realizing what was going on with him. This was after I had been confronted with several clues that he was having an affair. I guess I was just in denial and just kept pushing forward with trying to make our marriage good again.

Obviously from the text of the email, she had a bit of an issue with him going away with me. Since he promised to keep her up to date on "what  I was up to." Funny, I didn't know I was up to something. As far as I knew I was being his wife, his partner. I didn't know that his girlfriend was jealous that he "had" to spend time with me. I am such a thoughtless bitch! Next time I will try to take her feelings into account when I plan a trip with my husband....uh no.

I think of a specific time that weekend, and I know he was appeasing her anger and talking to her. We went to an amusement park that weekend. We often go as a family, but I thought it would be fun to go as a couple just once. We had been there a couple of hours and his phone was going crazy with pings signalling emails and texts. I was used to this, because it was his work phone and people are always contacting him. I really didn't think much about it at the time. Now I know it was her and she was PISSED that he was having to ignore her. He told me he had to go to the restroom, so I sat down on a bench and waited on him. I waited there for 35 minutes! I had left my cell phone in the car so I couldn't call him. I was afraid to go looking for him because of how crowded it was that day. I thought I might not see him and it would take hours to find each other. So I sat there and waited, and waited, and waited. When he FINALLY came back he said his stomach had been upset. At the time I took his comment at face value. Now I know that he was calling her and trying to calm her down.

We have been doing well in our marriage lately. Unfortunately, my injured heart just keeps waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am learning to trust again, but it is a long process. I just can't let everything go yet, the injury is just too deep. I can forgive, but the forget part is far more difficult!
Until next time, Hugs!

What does recovery say to my kids?

Hello everyone,
I have not forgotten about this blog or suddenly feel completely whole again. Over the last month I have typed out numerous posts and deleted them. What can I say? Some days the words just don't come to me.

Recovering a marriage after infidelity is so incredibly hard, but the affair is not all encompassing in my life anymore. I have a few days where I don't want to punch them both in the throat. ;) Okay, that was a little spiteful, but it was truthful.

Lately, I have one question that drifts around in my brain. I push it down, but it keeps resurfacing. What have I taught my children by staying with their father after he betrayed me? He cheated on me, told incredible lies about me, and most of all he was ready to abandon his children for another woman. Have I taught my sons that it is okay to be unfaithful in your marriage. It is okay to blame your wife for your unhappiness therefore it is okay to cheat on her? Have I taught my daughter that you can't demand and expect fidelity in your marriage? Did I teach them that betrayal in marriage is to be expected and accepted?

They do not know exactly what happened between their Dad and I, but they know that something occurred. I did everything in my power to protect them from the horrible reality of my life. Total broken hearts are hard to hide even for the best actress.