After your spouse has an affair you will likely have a lot of painful Anniversaries of different dates that just about knock you off your feet. January 11 would be my baby's 1st birthday. I am BLESSED to have 4 babies here on earth with me, but that doesn't make me any less sad to think of my babies in Heaven. This particular baby weighs on my heart because she was conceived and lost while my husband was having an affair with another woman.
I will NEVER forget the feelings that fell over me that early May day in 2010 when I figured out I was pregnant. I have 4 children, but achieving and maintaining a pregnancy has never been a piece of cake for me. Yet, here I was pregnant without intervention and SO scared. You see, I didn't have proof at this point, but I knew my husband was cheating on me. I knew he thought everyday about leaving me and his kids for HER. I knew that he would NOT see this baby as a blessing. I knew that he would not love this life inside me as he should. It is a powerfully sad realization, I can tell you.
I was 8 weeks pregnant and went to see my Sweet OB. He found a heartbeat on ultrasound and told me to figure out what I wanted to do about my marriage. He told me pointblank that my current state of mind was not good for the baby or me. It was a blessing to find the heartbeat. I have looked at a screen with a still heart or a sac without a baby. My entire family was going to Disney World at the end of the month, and my doctor gave his blessing. All looked fine with the baby, and maybe the trip could revive my marriage.
I continued to be incredibly stressed and never told my husband. It was just so obvious that he didn't give a damn about me and would not welcome another baby. I was good enough to have sex with to meet his needs, but I wasn't good enough to love. So with a heavy heart I actually researched abortion clinics. Yep, that's right, the woman who loves her children beyond measure actually thought of killing one of them. It was probably the darkest moment in my life. I was so desperate and scared, I thought of killing an innocent child. I didn't go through with it; It was not something I could do even in my darkest hour. I just started planning on being a single mother of 5. I knew I was done sharing my husband.
At the end of May we all loaded into a plane and headed to WDW. I was so excited. I wanted my kids to LOVE it and hopefully my husband would realize how blessed he was by his family. This did not turn out to be the case. On May 25th ( my deceased Momma's birthday) I caught him texting back and forth with her like a teenage girl. It made me SICK! He played it off like no big deal. I wanted to throw that phone out the window or implant it in his stupid head. The next day he handed me a necklace to pay for when I was checking out with some souvenirs for the kids. He said he was taking her a souvenir because she had just found out she had a disease that was going to kill her. ( she to this day looks pretty well to me). I really just wanted to die at that point. He was having an affair AND he was making ME pay for HER gifts. Can there be a bigger slap in the face?
The next day, I started bleeding heavily. I knew I was miscarrying. I called my doctor and he told me just to watch out for the signs I knew too well that I needed medical help. So I put a smile on my face and headed out to the park with my kids. It was so hot an I was so weak and dizzy. I started to think I needed help, but in true loving fashion my husband was clueless. I was so devastated. I never bothered to tell him about the precious life I had carried 10 and 1/2 weeks. What was the point? He just didn't care. He was in the affair fog that made him believe that all his unhappiness was my fault and Jennifer was the cure for it. Yep, that is her name. I have no reason to protect her.
So the life that I had thought of taking was gone. I to this day feel an unbelievable guilt. Could I have been the cause? Could my grief and mental anguish killed this precious life? My doctor checked me out when I got home. I had a complete miscarriage. I buried that sad proof in my back yard in Arkansas. A baby I anguished over having, now was gone and the anguish was worse than I thought was possible. My due date was 1-11-11. A really neat date for sure, and a date a will never forget. I did eventually tell my husband after I had outed his affair. In true selfish fashion he really didn't even mourn. He was still so deep in his affair fog that really he just didn't see my pain. This baby was a part of him and he just didn't get it. So Happy Birthday sweet baby, I am so sorry.
