Selfishness and Trust issues

I sometimes think of issues that really bother me and I have to get them off my chest.

Affairs are the most selfish act that anyone can perform. Thinking about my husband's affair and the selfishness involved just makes my blood boil. First and foremost, I think of how much blame he placed on me when he was talking to Mrs. Cheatsalot. As far as he was concerned, I didn't make him happy so he was entitled to have an affair. They spoke about leaving us imperfect spouses for each other. What about our feelings, what about the children you were going to hurt? They seemed to skip over the destruction they were going to leave in their wake. It was all about how unhappy THEY were and how THEY deserved happiness. To this day after 15 months of trying to recover our marriage, I would LOVE to have them both in a room and just slap them upside the head. I wonder if Mrs. Cheatsalot's husband feels the same way. I suspect he does. The truth is both marriages were far from perfect. However, in both cases there was one spouse that felt that marriage vows were sacred and worked to better the marriage. Then there was one spouse that put themselves on a pedestal and walked outside their vows.

Second in my wondering today I think "will I ever feel I can trust him?" He had to go home to go back to work, and I still wonder if he is behaving as a husband should. I am 8 hours away, a perfect opportunity to seek out his girlfriend. I want to believe he is doing what he should be doing, but I still have that nagging doubt as always. I guess he just has proven himself to not be trustworthy so many times, that I do have doubts that he will ever deserve my trust. I gave him my utmost trust when we came into this marriage, never feeling threatened or jealous. He threw THAT away, BIG TIME! There has been 4 times since D-Day that he has proven his self unworthy of my trust and I think my heart is just waiting for the next time. It is a horrible feeling.

There is no easy answer to an affair. Staying and TRYING to work it out is so hard. I stress trying because there is NO guarantee that it will work. Sometimes I think the wayward spouse is just too selfish to give up his or her affair. Divorcing and moving on is equally hard. Moving on from what is supposed to be forever surely rips at one's soul. So there are my thoughts of today, feel free to comment or email me. I am here for you to vent or would love to hear what you have to add. We are all in the same boat here. It feels like being on the Titanic. God Bless.

I Am Blessed

Just wanted to stop in and say Merry Christmas. It is the time of year that I reflect on how very blessed I am in this life. I have 4 wonderful, happy, healthy children. I have a husband that I love dearly, even in hurt. I have a great family. I am so far away from my family and I miss them terribly. We are a mixed group of siblings and step siblings, but we are blessed to all get along and love each other. I know that some step-families are not so lucky. All in all this is a very blessed time of year for the Personality family.


When reflecting on my blessings, I do reflect on those that have gone home. Yesterday, it was the one year anniversary of my Maternal Grandmother's passing. She was a strong woman that loved and cared for my Brother and I just like a Grandmother should. This will be my 9th Christmas without my Fraternal Grandfather. I miss his so much. I will never regret my standing Tuesday night date at "the king" with him. He and I ordered the same thing, every single time! Finally this will be the 9th Christmas without my Mom. She died so young and only knew my oldest son. She would be so in love with my kids. It hurts my heart that they won't know her this side of eternity. I know that we have 3 very special angels looking over us.

I pray everyone has a Blessed Christmas.

I am trying to be positive!

The holidays are supposed to be joyous, but for the past two years I have had a hard time finding my joy. I am trying, I really am. I love spending time with my family and friends. I love the joy I see in my children's faces and hear in their laughter.

Still I find myself thinking about the affair. I find myself wondering if my husband is thinking about HER, missing HER, or even still talking to HER. Then I am sad. My heart is still so damaged. I sometimes wonder if I will ever recover. Will I ever be truly happy in my marriage again? Last year at Christmas my husband bought her a gift and BOLD FACE lied about it. This was 3 months after supposed "no contact." It shows the level of trust that he deserves really. I "think" he is in the marriage this year, but when will I feel certain of this? I wish someone could give me a timetable. When will I stop hurting? When will I not cry at random times when I think about the affair. When will the affair fade from my mind. I know I will never completely forget the affair, but does it truly fade with time?

With that being said, I am deep into my Christmas preparation. I love picking out gifts for my children and my loved ones. I never really want anything myself. I feel like I am overly blessed in the material possession department. This year I want peace of mind. I want my husband to love me. I want my children to continue to be healthy and happy. Most of all, I want to be truly happy again. I have happiness in my life everyday, but the sadness is always right around the corner. The affair seems to live on my shoulder.


So for Christmas this year, I am wishing much joy to each and everyone of us that has survived an affair. Whether you have stayed in the marriage or moved on through a divorce. We are all in the same boat and we all deserve some joy, some true happiness.

On a personal note, I am having a pancreatitis attack and could use your healing prayers. I am in physical pain and that seems to allow the sadness to creep into my life even more than normal. I covet your prayers and I send mine you way!

Much Love,

She broke "the code"

I have never down played my husband's fault in the affair. He was in NO way a victim here. He made his choice to have an affair rather than work on a decade old marriage. A marriage that had produced 4 healthy children. A marriage that had involved vows before God. He chose the affair. I will never understand that choice, I don't believe I am capable of understanding that choice. No matter how bad our marriage had gotten or how unhappy I was, I am incapable of making the decision to cheat.

Which brings me to the other woman. She was not the "type" of woman I would expect to be an affair partner. She wasn't a single, lonely, well streetwalker. She certainly wasn't a prostitute with a heart of gold (Pretty Woman ..haha). She was a married woman with 2 beautiful young children. This made me more angry than anything. She basically was me in a different body. How could she be so selfish to put her marriage and children in jeopardy just for her own "happiness." Did she even think about how many lives she was going to destroy in her search for happiness? She played the poor poor me card to my husband more times than I can count. Her life was harder and more stressful than anyone else' life. Her marriage of course was more unhappy and she had to wear a "mask" around everyone everyday. No one understood how bad her life was and she could only talk to my husband because only he understood. I wonder if my husband's large paycheck had anything to do with that understanding in her eyes? ...just a thought

As a married woman that is busy raising kids and running a house and working and doing a million other things, you expect other women in your place holding you up and supporting you. You feel like you are all in the same club. I try to support all the other wives and moms I know. It is two of the hardest jobs you will ever have in life. You shouldn't have to worry about the wife down the hall from your husband's office taking a shine to him. You are in the same club...right?

Why do I stay?

This is question is one that has been asked a few times via email. I appreciate that some of you are reading my blog and getting something out of it, even if you are afraid to follow publicly. I understand that my material is not something that you may want to advertise that it interests you. A lot of people going through affair recovery are ashamed. I'm not saying that any victims of infidelity have any reason to be ashamed, but I definitely understand the shame. I have felt it and still feel it on occasion. OK back to the question....

I stay for many reasons. Here are just a few I can think of at this moment. First, I believe in marriage. I believe that when you take the vows, you do it before God and it is not something to take lightly. Second, I love him. Some days I have no idea why, but I do love him. Third, I don't want him to lose his children. I KNOW I can raise my children alone, but I don't want them to be angry with him. They are smart kids, they would know that something bad was involved in our breakup. My children need both of us IF we can have a healthy relationship.

All that being said, there are days that I have NO IDEA why I stick around. I have chronic pancreatitis. It is no fun and some days are just pain and fatigue. Those are days that I just don't feel like fighting for my marriage. It is too hard and I am too tired. Truthfully, I'm not sure anyone that is in affair recovery can point to one reason they stay and work it out. I can definitely see that MANY reasons to just pack up and leave.

Mrs. Personality

I changed the name of the blog to better describe what it is about. I do still see myself as Mrs. Personality. The story behind it is simple really, it is a comment made by my husband in one of his many love-fest emails to Mrs. Cheatsalot. I'll try to quote his exact words. " I will try to call you in the morning while you get ready if I can get away from Mrs. Personality." Apparently they has a daily gab fest in the morning while she was dressing for work and he was driving the 60 miles to work. He kept leaving earlier and earlier so he would have time to talk to her. Her husband was already hard at work so she was free to talk. The morning he was referring to was a Friday that he happened to be off work. He thought I was fooled when he always volunteered to take the kids to school on those days off. I am not stupid, dear. I know how long it takes to drive less than 2 miles to drop off the kids...even if you had to pump gas it does NOT take 30 minutes. I hope you enjoyed your talk.....Jerk. I get so angry thinking of those times. All the phone calls, lunches, meetings, emails, and texts. Proclaiming their love for one another over and over again, while I waited at home for even ONE kind word, text, or email.

The Mrs. Personality thing just rubbed me all kinds of the wrong way. Sorry Dear that I wasn't sweet and in a fabulous mood, MY HUSBAND WAS CHEATING ON ME. Trust me it is a mood killer every time.

I choose Joy

There is a wonderful blog I follow and I stole my title from something she mentioned. She has been through more in her less than 30 years on earth that I can't imagine. Yet, she is fantastic and she really and truly seeks joy in life. She doesn't ask for sympathy for her life she asks that everyone look for the blessings of life.

It is hard to always find the joy. Some days, I admit, that I struggle to find any joy in my situation. But then I listen to one of my children laugh and I know that life will go on with or without me. I prefer to live life not let it pass me in the fast lane.

And then it hits me

I am not loved like I deserve. My husband does not look at me and tell me he can't live without me. I do not have that kind of love. I truthfully think that someone that has been faithful, birthed your four children, been supportive of your insane job change, and dealt with your midlife crisis, deserves the best love has to offer. What I get is nothing like that, I get leftovers. He was totally obsessed with his affair partner...sometimes I think he still is obsessed with her. He wrote her love letters..never sent ONE to me. He told her he would love her forever and NEVER give up on "them".... never said that to me. He bought her and her children gifts.....until this year he never purchased a gift for our children and well his gifts to me are always impersonal. For my birthday the year he was in the middle of the affair he gave me a portable computer desk. Oh be still my beating heart. He gave her a love letter and a picture of Scarlett and Rhett because theirs too was a love that would last forever. The picture was a movie still that I had given HIM! Jerk!!

I never feel beautiful or loved. Am I wrong to feel like I deserve that from my husband? The only true love I feel like I get is from my kids. My 5 year old regularly tells me I am beautiful. Not the same, but it makes me smile. I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to someone. It hurts my heart that the someone is not my husband. Sorry, I am negative today. Sometimes the hurt just gets to me. The unfair aspect of an affair can just sneak up on you from everywhere.

Love to anyone out there feeling this hurt. I am sorry.

Do you tell anyone?

I have struggled with this question over and over again. I visited my Best Friend about 4 months post D-Day and I had a horrible visit. I felt like I had to hide something from her, so I pulled back from her. I have always shared everything with her and I knew if I got too close to her on the visit she would KNOW I was in distress. We know each other so well, I felt like a fraud hiding it from her.

Mr. Personality yelled at me one night because he thought I had told my family. In truth I had not told my family a word. He on the other hand had told his two faced backstabbing sister who not only condoned the affair but wanted to meet Mrs. Cheatsalot. She also was quick to tell EVERYONE in Mr. P's family. She thought they would be as vicious as herself and band around Mr. P. like I deserved the affair or something. She likes gossip and malice that much...classy. It backfired on her. His siblings started calling me and supporting ME instead of him. One of his older brothers sat next to me at the kids' football game and just put his arm around me while I had tears streaming down my face. Mr. P was " at work" during that game and his brother came to support the kids and me. All he said to me was " he is stupid, fight for you marriage he has no idea what he has to lose." That is all he said. He just sat there in silence the rest of the time. He simply wanted me to know that he knew and he DIDN"T CONDONE what his brother was doing to me.

My husband is the baby of 8 children his siblings for the most part still coddle him like he is the baby. He really has the mentality a lot of the time that what he does is always acceptable and if he does something unacceptable it the fault of someone else somehow. The affair for him in his mind was justified because he was unhappy. Sometimes to this day I think he feels like he was justified because I wasn't what he needed or wanted at that moment. Sometimes I fantasize that he finally "gets" that the affair was his fault and his alone. I have owned up to my part in our marital problems, but those problems in NO WAY made an affair justified. I was not happy with him, but giving what belonged to him to another man would never have been acceptable to me.

My sister figured out what was going on, so I did open up to her a little. My husband of course was furious and didn't believe that I didn't actually have to "tell" her anything. To me it wasn't something I really wanted to share, not to protect him but to protect my own heart. I felt like a fool that I had this happen to me and I didn't just walk out the door when I found out. I gave my sister the emails for safe keeping in case I needed them for a divorce. I told her to read them if she wanted. I have never seen a person so furious. If I had let her she would have caused him bodily harm. It made me feel a little bit better, I admit it. I felt like at least someone thought I didn't deserve this pain.

To this day, my sister is the one person I have told. My husband's entire family and probably some friends know thanks to my SIL. I call it selective telling, my husband was fine sharing with people he saw as on "his side." Some days I think it is time to tell my close friends. I think I deserve to have someone on "my side."

Some days after a year, I feel lost

We are settling into our new life in Oklahoma. I miss my friends and family terribly, but we are all adjusting. It has been just over a year since D-Day one and today is the 1 year anniversary of D-day two. I am battling Strep Throat so my mind has luckily been on other matters today. I will not sugar-coat it.... I.struggle.every.single.day. This is the anniversary of finding all the emails that pretty much blew his "we are just close friends" out of the water.

I struggle every day with the feeling I am his second choice. The mother of his 4 children, the supportive, FAITHFUL wife is 2nd place. It is a bitter feeling I have in me. After the discovery of the emails in September 2010, there were other HARSH discoveries that no wife (or husband) should ever endure. While we were in "recovery" between Sept 2010 and March 2011 I was sure to send him pictures of his children and myself while he was away on business trips. My way of staying close to him and including him while he was far away. I should have known the jerk wouldn't appreciate it. In March 2011, I start looking through his pictures on his blackberry. Not a single picture of me, a couple of the kids I sent him, and DOZENS of pictures she had sent him AFTER the "no contact" was put in place. I was literally falling to the floor in anguish. I am not a very dramatic person ( not at all really), but this discovery literally knocked me to my knees. I weep just thinking of this night. I felt like such an idiot. I trusted him and he proved once again he can't be trusted.

He was literally sweating when I confronted him. He knew he was wrong, he knew I had every right to be devastated. I told him it was either a real no contact this time or I was leaving. This was all I could handle. This.was.it. He was to tell her there was to be ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT of any kind, work related or not. I also wanted him to have her contact me stating she understood what no contact meant. She sent me a rude condescending email saying she understood "my" definition of no contact. I sent her a rude one back stating I was pretty sure no contact means the same thing no matter how you put it. It means NO CONTACT! I knew she didn't take it seriously. She was enjoying my torment. She enjoyed her little game. She had no plans of actually leaving her husband for mine, but his attention made her feel good about her miserable, deceptive self. I was going to wait and see if my husband was finally going to get his head out of his b**t. I knew at that moment, it will take YEARS for me to ever trust him again. He just keeps proving that he doesn't deserve me or his children. No one deserves an affair. There is no one on earth that deserves what I have been through, except maybe Mr. Personality and his slut. I am trying to let go of the anger, but there are some days I daydream about her husband dumping her for an affair partner. He is another person that does not deserve what they were dealt in the marriage dept.

Until the next time, I pray for everyone that is going through this crap. There is a web forum that I have found very healing. www.survivinginfidelity.com .....God Bless you guys.

Life goes on and so do we.

So in mid-July my husband calls me from work. He says " I got a promotion today, I start in OKC tomorrow." OKC is 6 hours away! He just told be the weekend before that he was "trying" to be in love with me. How do I trust him enough to move my precious children and myself away from all we know?  Sometimes I think I am TOO faithful. I started packing boxes and preparing my older kids for the move from their school. I have doubts. every. single. day. He keeps saying it is a new state. new start. The only bonus I see is that SHE will no longer be anywhere near my husband. The weekend before had been so traumatic for me, it was like finding our about the affair all over again. We were out of town in a condo with out internet service. My husband has a cell broadband card and set up his lap top for me to use. I am NOSEY! I started snooping and there were all these images of everywhere they had been together, and get this...they were taken just a couple of weeks before. JUST. ANOTHER. SLAP. IN . THE . FACE. He even had a pic she had taken of a movie still picture he had obviously given her. It was a still that I had given HIM as a gift. Talk about an ultimate slap in the face! I regifted your thoughtful gift to my girlfriend...I just ooze class.

D-Day 2 and hundreds of emails

At the end of September, I was still reeling from my discovery. We were working on our marriage, but I felt he was still not being honest with me. I knew there was more to his relationship than he was owning up to during the month. He also refused to go to counseling with me because he " didn't do well rehashing everything over and over." I kinda felt this was a threat. Make too much of this and I am out of here kind of thing? Anyway, my "something is NOT right" radar was going CRAZY.

I am a SAHM, so I was on my computer one afternoon before I picked the "big" kids up from school. I started thinking, I bet he has stuff hidden in his email. hummmm. I knew he had changed his password months before, because I had looked when I started getting the feeling he was hiding something. I had been married to this man for 11 years at this point. I figured I could answer any security questions and change his password. Yes, I know this is sneaky and underhanded, but I had actually set up this account and had maintained it for years. When he didn't have anything to hide, well he had nothing to hide. He had access to all my accounts, well because I had nothing to hide. I am an open book to him.

As I suspected, getting access was fairly easy. I mean, come on, I KNOW this man intimately! Once inside I find HUNDREDS of emails proclaiming his love for this woman. He was saying such lovely things to this woman. Things I had dreamed he would say to me for YEARS. He had given this woman what belonged to me, his faithful wife. I was SICK, literally. My heart was hurting, I really FELT it breaking. Time was short, I had to run carpool, so I started printing the emails. I didn't have time to print them all. If I had been thinking at the moment, I would have just forwarded them all to my email to print later. I was not thinking. I just knew I needed to print what I could so I would have proof. Proof, if I needed it for divorce. I finally started to get pissed. I forwarded him a couple of the really sexually explicit emails to his work email. I wanted to make him squirm. He would know they were from me. He had told me over and over again they were just friends that got too close. Yeah right, buddy, I write to all my friends like these emails...NOT!

I got in line for carpool just like any other day. I had to fake that I wasn't dying inside for the sake of my kids. I was, however, dead inside that day. Mr. P called my cell when I was in line, on a fishing expedition. I wasn't giving anything away. I made him squirm and actually ask me if I had sent him the emails. I was cool and collected when I said " what do you mean? Is there something incriminating in your email?" He was caught red handed and he knew it.

The papers and D-Day 1

My oldest son and my daughter were playing in a junior football and cheerleader league. The practiced 3 evenings a week and played games on Saturdays. The first game was on August 21st. I was in the middle of my pancreatitis and it being central Arkansas, the temperatures were unbearable. The plan for the day was I take all 4 kids to the games and Mr. P would join after he worked a couple of hours. Our kids were in different age groups and each cheered or played in at least 2 games each that day.

Around 1 PM my husband finally calls and says he has to work late and will not make the games. I am STUCK ALONE with 4 kids in 100+ degree heat and I am still pretty ill at this point. I KNEW something was off that day. It was Saturday and work that day in minimum. I found out the next Thursday just what exactly happened that day.

Skip ahead to Wednesday and we are all heading to eat out and make a store run. Mr. P casually mentions he needs to pick up a present for Mrs. Cheats-Alot's 2 year old son. I am furious, but try to not explode because we are in the truck with all 4 of our kids. I am fuming though, Mr. P has NEVER picked out a present for any of our children. NEVER. He knows I am P'd off so he says he will wait until the next day. The next day he spends more for her son than we spend on our OWN children for their birthdays.

Mr. P actually for once takes the older kids to football the next day and I go snooping. I.have.had.it. I find what I am looking for in a notebook he ALWAYS carries, but for some reason had left it at home that night. It was notes about Mrs. Cheats-Alot. Apparently they had a fight on the Saturday of the football game and he was writing out what he was going to say to her. He didn't show up for football because they were supposed to meet at one of "their places", a coffee shop near their office. She apparently waffled back and forth about meeting him and ultimately couldn't get away from her husband and kids. Funny how inconvenient kids and spouses can be to an affair. :) The broken date and fight was also why he forgot about my MRI appointment on Monday. He was too distraught over her....screw his sick, FAITHFUL wife. There were also entries about they were looking at a house they wanted to buy together, and how she was the love of his life.

I was sick and LIVID when he came home from practice with the kids. I handed him the children and walked out the door. I went for a walk on the nature trail behind our house. I had to clear my head before I spoke to him or I would have harmed him. I was that hurt, and angry. I was devastated. I confronted him when the kids went to bed. He tried to play it off. He tried the "just good friends" card. I told him I was not stupid. Then he tried to blame shift by saying I was unreasonable when I was angry. I knew there was A LOT more to the story, but he promised to break all contact and work on our marriage. I should have know there would be more, much more to come. :(

Let me try to start at the "beginning" of my journey

The summer of 2010 was BAD. I knew something was very wrong with my husband, I just couldn't exactly put my finger on it. I had suspicions and I knew her name. My husband had found a job closer to home at the end of 2008 after working a year on an off shore oil platform. After I survived a year of 2weeks on-2weeks off, I thought our marriage was solid. I thought I had proven my devotion to him and our family. He had a midlife crisis and changed his career of 20 years to work on a platform. I felt like I was abandoned, yet I kept going. Almost as soon as he started the new job, he started changing in little ways. The most noticeable was how he seemed to separate his life into two categories, his life in his work town and life in his home town. He seemed pretty strong about keeping me and the kids at arms length when it came to introducing us to his new "people." At his office Christmas party in 2009, I got hit with the why. He introduced me to HER and warning bells started ringing in my head. She was his new interest...his new "pet project."

As that Summer progressed Mr. Personality kept getting more angry, hostile, and cruel. Mainly towards me, but he also often lashed out at our children for little or no reason. I was deeply depressed and trying desperately to make it right. I just had NO IDEA how. One week in June he refused to say " I love you" to me because we had a blowup over our failing sex life. I kept pushing him and one day he told me he was coming home early "to talk." I was really a basket case, I was sure he was divorcing me and going to "her." The talk was nothing like that, although I asked him straight out if he wanted a divorce and if he even cared for me. He basically just outlined all the ways I was a failure to him in marriage and how HE felt. I, like an IDIOT, just took it. The depression I was suffering at his hand, made me think everything WAS my fault. Now I see more clearly that he was blame-shifting to make himself feel better. I was equally responsible for our marital problems, but the difference was I saw myself as having some of the fault. He in true Mr. Personality fashion saw that it was always the other persons fault.

Fast forward to August and I started getting sick. Not a cold, but major illness kind of sick. I started losing massive amounts of weight, I had upper abdominal pain ALL THE TIME, and I had no energy AT ALL. Finally, I found a doctor that started testing me for EVERYTHING he could think it might be. Unfortunately one lab came back with the possible markers of Pancreatic Cancer. I was TERRIFIED. My husband really seemed to could care less. One appointment for a test, I was so scared. Instead of offering to go and support me he said "maybe your Dad can go with you." I was finally scheduled for an MRI and I asked Mr. P to go with me. The test was on Monday, I asked him the Thursday before the test. Monday morning, he had TOTALLY forgotten his promise to go with me. I found out later why he was so forgetful about my crisis. Praise the Lord, the MRI showed I had Pancreatitis, not cancer. I was one sick lady, but I wasn't going to leave my babies without a Mom.

Next up the papers that changed it all for me.

Well here I am,,,,

Hello all! Basically I have started this blog to share my life and maybe get some insights from women like me. You know, been there done that, here is some advice. Let me let you get to know me a little and I will try to update with things I have learned and things I just don't understand. Maybe I can give you some hope with this crazy life and maybe you can give me hope that I will survive.

I am  a SAHM of four children. I have been married to Mr. Personality for 12 years. We live a blessed life, I love my husband and my children tremendously. Unfortunately, my husband didn't really agree and had a year(ish) long affair. After supposedly being in marriage recovery for a year, just last weekend I get the " I love you but I am not in love with you" speech. I have had the most heartbreaking two years and I feel like I just want to stop the ride sometimes.

I am hoping to get insights from you guys and tell you what I have learned, also. Basically I am typing my therapy and hoping my life may help someone else.

Love to all..good luck in life.