Good Evening! I promised that I would start digging ditches, so here we go. I hope reliving the life I have had the past three years post Dday will help someone get past their own Dday. So lets get started from the beginning.
My name is Jules and I have been married to Mr. Personality for almost 15 years now. I just survived the 3rd anniversary of the day I found an email account of my husband's year long ( give or take a month or two) affair. I call it Dday 2 because at this point I had already outed his affair, but of course he was still lying like wayward spouses seem to have a talent for in my experience. We have 5 gorgeous children. During the affair we had 4, SB is our bonus post affair baby.
Now to give a quick overview of the affair....hold on it's a bumpy ride. My husband was your typical wayward spouse looking back. He had turned every marital problem into my fault in both his mind and my head as well. When you are told something over and over you believe it after a while, even when you know in your heart it is not true. My husband was so screwed up and into his affair fog that he had me believing half the manure he was selling. Looking back, I don't even recognize myself, I was so beaten down and bruised. My husband had convinced himself that he was unhappy beyond help in our marriage and it was all my fault. I was a terrible wife, and I just didn't care about him or understand him. ( sounding familiar to anyone yet?) Yes, if you look up midlife crisis affair, my husband's picture is right there on the page. He changed everything about himself for his 16 year his junior whore, Jennifer.
He changed his interests, but it wasn't from growth and maturity, it was to get into her pants. He started showing interest in things he had NEVER cared about before, and of course when I would ask he would have the same old answer. He had ALWAYS liked XYZ, but had changed since he had married me because I NEVER supported his interests and was just a meanie all around. Insert picture in your mind of an almost 50 year old sticking out his tongue like a 5 year old kid.
The biggest indicator of the affair? His absence in our lives both mentally and physically. He just disappeared that year, it's hard to explain unless you have been there. I know that many, many of you have walked this path or are just starting to walk it. I look back on that year and there are very obvious signs that I missed, that now with my hyper-senses I would pick up on in a heartbeat. One of the hundreds of emails that stands out even after 3 years is the one where he says I am turning the kids against him. She lapped it up like a kitten with cream, but it simply wasn't true. I was not the evil woman that made he children hate their Dad. I was the woman that lied to her kids so they wouldn't realize Dad was putting someone else before them. A woman that had no business in their parent's marriage.
It has been 3 years and some days I think to myself, "wow I have come so far!" Then there are other days that everything seems like it happened yesterday and I am still struggling for air. I do not look in the mirror and compare myself to Jennifer everyday. She no longer holds that kind of power over me. I should have never let her have any power over me. I know that now, but I can tell you beyond any doubt it will take you years to realize that the other woman IS JUST NOT WORTH the hurt. She is obviously damaged beyond comprehension. A married woman (or man) that will enter into a relationship with another married person is not mentally healthy. Do I blame just the other woman for the affair? Nope. I blame my husband 1st and foremost. I can take some blame for marital issues, but I will NEVER take any blame for the affair. I did not cause it NOR did I deserve it. The entire affair and it's aftermath falls squarely on the shoulders of Mr. Personality and Jennifer. When a betrayed spouse gets to that point in their recovery...you are on the right track.
So everyday (or as often as a Mom of 5 can possibly handle) I will blog how I have survived every day from the beginning. I will be going in order as much as possible, but if something strikes me that day as helpful to a "newbie." I will make that my blog topic. I welcome all input, suggestions, or questions. Please feel free to comment or email me personally. I know that putting yourself out there on a blog can be hard, so I have no problem having personal conversations with you. I have had many conversations with followers of this blog who prefer to be anonymous. I understand. This is a very personal, private topic. My personal email is on my profile, please feel free to use it. If I do not answer within a day, comment here. Gmail has totally been screwing up and sending personal email to my spam folder. If you let me know, I'll go looking for your email.
Love to all,
Jules
