I had a hard time even typing that title. Usually this blog is about what the affair has done TO me and how I cope, but today I have decided to write a little about what I have learned and gained. If you recently discovered your spouse's affair this post may just upset you. I am working off almost two years post D-Day and I know that just a couple of months ago I wouldn't have even been able to type the title. Fresh pain prohibited it, and this process of healing can bring on fresh pain daily. However today I am feeling healthy and strong so I decided to put out there what I have been thinking about for a little while now. Tomorrow, I may feel totally different, but you know I will tell you that in honesty, also.
First off let me say, I will NEVER say that his affair is the best thing that happened to our marriage. Betrayal of marital trust is never going to be the best thing for me, EVER. I did grow and learn from the experience. Foremost my husband and I have a fresh start. Any anger and frustration we had bottled up about each other has been thrown out to discuss. One of our greatest challenges in our marriage is we didn't talk it out, we just got mad and bottled it inside to fester. For the first several months after D-Day I felt like I was walking on eggshells trying to not rock the boat. I finally got over the feeling and have actually found my voice again. If he doesn't love me being myself, I don't want his love. It is about unconditional love for me, I am strong enough to take no less now. I went through the stage of actually being afraid he'd leave me alone, now I am past that feeling. I love him, but I am strong enough to go it alone. I don't have to settle for less than I need in my marriage. In return, I am now open to him telling me what he needs in our marriage. I am better at listening to his needs and either acting on them or telling him what I can and cannot give him.
My husband totally took me for granted. He took that I would be a good Mother and Wife as a given that he deserved. I have discussed that he had a bad "baby of a large family syndrome." Over the past 3 months he seems to really "get" that he doesn't deserve all the things I do in this marriage, he is BLESSED that I freely give it. I finally have a husband that seems to understand that my hard work in this marriage must be answered with his own work. Marriage is beyond hard and I finally feel like I am not the only one paddling against the current to get there. I'll admit that before the affair, I was getting bitter about being the one that always seemed to work and sacrifice to make the marriage work. He used the bitterness (that he caused) to excuse his affair. Now I truly believe he finally realized that there is no excuse for infidelity. Marriage is about trust, commitment, and work. You have to be able to trust each other, commit to the good and the bad times, and be willing to work on the problems between you. Before the affair my husband really didn't do any of those things. Now he is willing to see himself as less than perfect and come into the marriage to work.
Finally, we really just made a conscience effort to enjoy each other and our life. I see a change in him. He seems to finally realize what a blessed life he leads. We are back to being friends again. We laugh with each other and really enjoy our kids together. He had become so distant from our marriage and from our kids. I wasn't sure that he could salvage those relationships. He has worked to salvage not only our marriage relationship, but his relationship with his kids. That has earned a lot of respect from me that he had lost. I hurt so badly when I saw him emotionally abandoning our children. I am so thankful he saw how important we should be in his life.
All this being said, I know that my journey is far from over. Trust and forgiveness is not something that is rebuilt overnight. Just because I can see the good that has come from the aftermath of this horrible situation does not mean I am healed. My heart is still broken, just healing. It also doesn't mean that I am thankful the affair happened. I am thankful of some of the changes that came from the aftermath of the affair. I am thankful we were able to grow together. That growth has been hard fought. Mostly I am thankful that I realized that I am stronger than I ever imagined.I am thankful that my husband saw the reasons he should fight to save our marriage and be ready to fight the fight. God Bless all of us that have been through this horrible situation.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
I do NOT love Valentine's Day
It is that time of year. The time when you cannot go into ANY store without seeing hearts, candies, and flowers proclaiming I Love You! Blah! I have never really liked Valentine's Day. It just seems like a way for corporations to make money. The only store I would want to help would be a hometown florist. I am all about helping small business. Otherwise, just blah to Valentine's Day.
Now as a betrayed spouse, I really HATE this time of year. This is my second V-Day post D-Day. It just triggers me right and left. Last year my husband lied to me on V-Day. I just never got him to admit he lied because I am almost positive he bought her a gift. He was supposed to be No Contact with his affair partner at this time...but you all know how that goes. Mr. Romance gave me the receipt from my valentine's gift because he bought it with our joint checking debit card. On it was an extra amount of cash back. Normally, not a big deal, but it was a big deal on Valentine's Day. When I asked about it, he said he went to lunch that day at a certain restaurant downtown that only took cash. He was supposedly with a man that he worked with in his office.
Fast-forward two days when he starts telling me a story about going to eat at this new place on Valentine's Day with his male co-worker. He goes into GREAT detail about this new place. You know, so many details that it really seems like he is trying to cover up something. I didn't even say anything. I just gave him a look that told him I knew he was betraying me yet again. I am not stupid, it is about time he figured that out. I am hyper sensitive to his lies, I don't fall for anything anymore. I'm not sure if he took her out to lunch "as friends" or if he bought her a gift last year. I am sure that the extra money involved her. He proved it by being sure to tell me the elaborate story about lunch when I didn't ask. It is called distraction, honey, and I don't buy it.
He was (maybe is) so obsessed with how perfect he feels their relationship was during the affair. He was so deep in the fog that he couldn't see what was reality. I know from the emails between them that their relationship was very unhealthy. ( aside from the fact that it was infidelity and WRONG even) She constantly pushed him away and was super moody. Crazy mood swings, like manic episodes. Yet he begged her back time and time again. Told her things like he couldn't live without her. They both talked about suicide. Craziness that I just don't understand. He accepted behavior from her that was really over the top, yet during that time he would take offense to EVERYTHING I did. He lied about me to her. It just showed me that he lied to her as much as he lied to me, but he was kind to her. He was hideously cruel to me and our children.
I know this post is all over the place, but today is just a huge trigger. A trigger to relive that pain and make it feel new all over again. God Bless all of you, Happy Valentine's Day...LOL
Now as a betrayed spouse, I really HATE this time of year. This is my second V-Day post D-Day. It just triggers me right and left. Last year my husband lied to me on V-Day. I just never got him to admit he lied because I am almost positive he bought her a gift. He was supposed to be No Contact with his affair partner at this time...but you all know how that goes. Mr. Romance gave me the receipt from my valentine's gift because he bought it with our joint checking debit card. On it was an extra amount of cash back. Normally, not a big deal, but it was a big deal on Valentine's Day. When I asked about it, he said he went to lunch that day at a certain restaurant downtown that only took cash. He was supposedly with a man that he worked with in his office.
Fast-forward two days when he starts telling me a story about going to eat at this new place on Valentine's Day with his male co-worker. He goes into GREAT detail about this new place. You know, so many details that it really seems like he is trying to cover up something. I didn't even say anything. I just gave him a look that told him I knew he was betraying me yet again. I am not stupid, it is about time he figured that out. I am hyper sensitive to his lies, I don't fall for anything anymore. I'm not sure if he took her out to lunch "as friends" or if he bought her a gift last year. I am sure that the extra money involved her. He proved it by being sure to tell me the elaborate story about lunch when I didn't ask. It is called distraction, honey, and I don't buy it.
He was (maybe is) so obsessed with how perfect he feels their relationship was during the affair. He was so deep in the fog that he couldn't see what was reality. I know from the emails between them that their relationship was very unhealthy. ( aside from the fact that it was infidelity and WRONG even) She constantly pushed him away and was super moody. Crazy mood swings, like manic episodes. Yet he begged her back time and time again. Told her things like he couldn't live without her. They both talked about suicide. Craziness that I just don't understand. He accepted behavior from her that was really over the top, yet during that time he would take offense to EVERYTHING I did. He lied about me to her. It just showed me that he lied to her as much as he lied to me, but he was kind to her. He was hideously cruel to me and our children.
I know this post is all over the place, but today is just a huge trigger. A trigger to relive that pain and make it feel new all over again. God Bless all of you, Happy Valentine's Day...LOL
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Comparing yourself to the other woman
Yep, I have found myself doing it, though not as much lately. I try not to give HER any space in my brain or in my life. When my husband was in the middle of the affair he was constantly on me to cut my very long hair. He said he loved my hair short, he said that he really wasn't a long hair guy. I loved my long hair, but it grows super fast and I like to donate it to a hair donation organization for terminal hair loss in children. I have donated 7 times now. My Mother lost her battle with cancer, and it is a cause dear to my heart. I made an appointment for myself and my daughter and we both donated 10 inches of our hair. We came away with super cute short cuts, and I wasn't totally sad to lose my long hair.
Skip ahead almost a year when I have outed his affair. I come across a million pictures of her on my husbands phone. Guess what? I swear her hair was exactly like my long hair. It was almost as if she took a picture of me to her hair stylist and asked for my hair. It made me sick. He was pushing me to cut my hair all the while his girlfriend had identical hair. What? I have never figured it out. Maybe it made him uncomfortable to have his wife and girlfriend look so much alike. Seriously, even the color was the same as mine.
This just pushed my compare myself to his girlfriend mode into overdrive! I mean I obsessed over how much she was like me, and how there MUST be something superior about her. He wrote love letters to her and they told one another "they completed each other." Yes, that made me gag, too. She had to have something better than me, right? She was younger and thinner than me, so I dieted and became OBSESSED with my age. I have always been comfortable with my age. I feel blessed by the years I am given. No more, I cursed every line on my face and lump on my thigh.
It took me a year to realize, we are no comparison. I am NOT an adulterer. I am faithful to my husband and my family. I may have battle scars from age, but I earned them with grace. I would never put myself so far above others that I would ruin two innocent families. There is no comparison and I am the better woman. SHE actually said to me when all this was going down that I deserved it because I thought I was so much better than her. This was my " Ah Ha!" moment. I had never believed in my entire life that I was better than anyone, but I was better than her. I am far from perfect, but what she did was horrible. She probably to this day feels no remorse. So yes, I think there is no comparison. I am the better woman.
Skip ahead almost a year when I have outed his affair. I come across a million pictures of her on my husbands phone. Guess what? I swear her hair was exactly like my long hair. It was almost as if she took a picture of me to her hair stylist and asked for my hair. It made me sick. He was pushing me to cut my hair all the while his girlfriend had identical hair. What? I have never figured it out. Maybe it made him uncomfortable to have his wife and girlfriend look so much alike. Seriously, even the color was the same as mine.
This just pushed my compare myself to his girlfriend mode into overdrive! I mean I obsessed over how much she was like me, and how there MUST be something superior about her. He wrote love letters to her and they told one another "they completed each other." Yes, that made me gag, too. She had to have something better than me, right? She was younger and thinner than me, so I dieted and became OBSESSED with my age. I have always been comfortable with my age. I feel blessed by the years I am given. No more, I cursed every line on my face and lump on my thigh.
It took me a year to realize, we are no comparison. I am NOT an adulterer. I am faithful to my husband and my family. I may have battle scars from age, but I earned them with grace. I would never put myself so far above others that I would ruin two innocent families. There is no comparison and I am the better woman. SHE actually said to me when all this was going down that I deserved it because I thought I was so much better than her. This was my " Ah Ha!" moment. I had never believed in my entire life that I was better than anyone, but I was better than her. I am far from perfect, but what she did was horrible. She probably to this day feels no remorse. So yes, I think there is no comparison. I am the better woman.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Anger!
This is just a random thought today. I am not actually angry at any one aspect of the affair. I am just wondering if any of you have been able to say in truth that you have let go of the anger you feel. The pain of my husband's affair is always in the background everyday. It has been there for so long that I am "used" to it being there around almost every corner. It is the anger that I have problems with understanding, excepting, and letting it go. I have NEVER had anger issues previous to the affair. It is an understatement to say I was laid back and easy going. Maybe that is why the anger is so shocking to me. I can be so bitterly angry towards my husband, and I don't entirely understand it since I really do love him. I just have these moments where I think of something he did during or after the affair and I get so mad! Don't even get me started on how angry I get when I think of the OW. I have no reason to even pretend that I like her, so wow I get angry when I think of her. I know, I know, I have to let go of the anger to move on with my life. Easier said than done, and that's the truth!
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