Summertime equals Triggertime

Greetings everyone,
I'm sorry I have been so absent, but summertime with 4 kids is crazy busy. There has been Church camp, theme parks, picnics, and zoo visits galore. We have been having fun, fun, fun, but as most of you know the affair sadness can seep into the most innocent moments.

Summer has been hard the last two years post affair, because of how horrible the summer I outed him was for me. The summer my husband's affair hit it's peak was one of the most horrific times of my life. I was suspicious of my husband having an affair, but I was still searching for a way to prove it. My first real breakthrough that summer was at WDW on a family vacation when I caught him texting back and forth with her like a teenage girl. He was downright giddy when he was texting her. It made me sick. The day I caught him, was also the day I started miscarrying our 5th child. It was a physically and emotionally devastating time. The date was May 25, 2010. I have made it through that anniversary. Now I just keep trudging ahead through the rest of them.

Father's Day was the second real trigger for me. That Sunday morning he told me he didn't care if it made me mad, he didn't want to go to Church with us. I cried through Church that morning because they were honoring the Fathers and having their kids stand up with them. My kids had no one to stand with, their Dad was at home writing poetry to his girlfriend and talking to her on the phone. When we got home he said he had to go out into the field to "work" , but really he just took a drive so they could have phone sex. I later read an email he sent his girlfriend the next day, he told her that the "special" phone call the day before had saved his HORRIBLE weekend. You see he spent the whole weekend with his hideous wife and his 4 kids, Lord how horrible for him, he was such a sad, sad victim.

Next up is July 4th, the email that absolutely broke my heart. He was telling her he couldn't believe I was making him go with us to visit my family. He told her one day they would enjoy their holidays together and she could do anything she wanted. The heartbreaking part to me was the fact that previous to that July 4th, we had ALWAYS done what HE wanted on July 4th. We went to my Family's home that year so I could attend a funeral. The funeral of one of my very favorite Aunts. The last living sibling of my Grandmother that I had lost years before. It broke me in two to read his hateful words. He basically said he hated me and my family, that he couldn't wait until she was his family. Shortly after the 4th is July 16th...yay another horrible memory. That was the weekend we went away together that she was so pissed that he was with me. I have written about that before. It is the reason I have a hard time going anywhere with him. I always wonder in the back of my mind if he is calling and texting her behind my back. I wonder if he would rather be spending his weekend away with HER.

The end of August is when I first found proof of his affair. Of course he LIED, LIED , LIED to me about the extent of their relationship at that time He promised to end it at that time and go no contact. Of course, that was just one of a million lies he told since DDay one. Next was DDay two at the end of September where I found his stash of emails and writings. That totally blew his "we are just really close friends" lie out of the water. The dates go on and on until July 30, 2011. The day he told me he was 'trying' to be in love with me. The day I found all the pictures of his "memories" of her on his computer. The day he admitted he had bought her a Christmas gift the Christmas of 2010. The day I really consider DDay 3. It was really the day he admitted he had been lying to me for almost a year about his commitment to me and our marriage. Summer should be a great time for us as a family because all our kids are home to spend time together. Instead, I just try to push through the pain.

Love and Hugs,

Jules