About a year after Dday 1 and Dday 2, I discovered that Jennifer was still hanging onto Mr. Personality. I saw red, of course I wasn't just mad at her I was furious at my husband. He was supposed to be back in our marriage and I found out once again he was just a liar. He still just didn't "get" that an affair relationship is nothing but fiction. Affairs are not real life, there is no mortgage, no bills, no sick kids, no carpool, no homework, no stress of well REAL life. I confronted my husband about their continuing relationship; it was not as involved as it once was, but the point was they were still involved. My husband was holding on as long as she continued to dangle that carrot in front of him. He was not willing to go full on into marriage recovery until he knew she wasn't going to come back to him. She was going to continue to give him that little nugget of hope because she enjoyed the attention. As I have said in the past, she had absolutely no desire to actually leave her husband. I on the other hand , was ready to leave mine. I was done.
When I made this discovery we were actually out of town with our children, so I decided to confront Jennifer when we got home. I opened by sending her an email, basically asking her to remove herself from my marriage. I asked her to give my marriage a chance to work. She immediately called my husband, shocker she didn't take the no contact seriously. :) She apparently whined to him what a bitch I was to her. In truth my email was WAY more kind than my actual feelings for her. After a year of crap, I was no longer totally running on anger, I was just exhausted by the whole thing. He went outside to take the call, so of course I knew it was her. I gave him a few minutes and then I went outside, gave him a horrible go to H*** look, and told him to get the F*** off the phone with his whore. I was sure to make sure she heard me call her a whore, not mature but it felt good!
She immediately emailed me back and asked for my phone number so she could call me the next day. It made me nauseous, but I was ready to hit this head on. She ended up eventually emailing me again that evening. Basically, she said she had broken it off with my husband. Of course she couldn't leave it there, she had to add a few barbs. She said that my marriage was obviously already broken and it had nothing to do with his relationship with her. ( delusional much?) I was well aware of my marriages challenges, but my husband's total lack of desire to improve our marriage had everything to do with his relationship with her. Who needs to deal with real life, when he can have the "perfect" life with her? She told me basically I needed to get over the affair. She told me I needed to grow up and act like the affair never happened. Really, Jennifer, such great advice from a whore that would go after a married man while she was also married. That sent me over the edge. I quickly emailed her back. I told her that I wanted to get over it and I had every intention of either making my marriage stronger than ever or leaving and never looking back. Then I decided to share the one thing I KNEW Mr. Perfect hadn't shared with her about himself. He had cheated on his first wife too, he was a serial cheater. Basically, I told her , look sister you are not that special he has done it before. I had kept that to myself until this point. I wish I had told her that from the start, we NEVER heard from her again. LOL, she didn't like feeling like SHE wasn't the special only one.
Jennifer telling me to get over it to hurt me ending up being exactly what I needed to hear. It made me GET IN GEAR. I was ready to either make my husband be serious about our marriage recovery or move on to different things. It ended up being pretty good, he finally really started getting back into our marriage. It has now been a year since Dday 3. We are at a better place than we have been in years. Do we still have our problems, yes! Does it still hurt me, absolutely! Will I ever "get over it" totally, probably not! Love to all of you, hope life is going in the right direction for you.
Jules
I can relate to not being able to ever "get over it". I can related entirely to how you feel! Thanks for sharing!!! My experience is slowly being expressed....and yes!! I can share similar feelings as you! Good for you for being able to get it out!!
ReplyDeleteMy husband's affair was also with a woman named Jennifer, I knew her years ago when she worked for me and called her "Jenny" in her younger days. The knowledge of the affair is fresh only two weeks old, I moved out last night. I have two wonderful teenage sons ages 14 and 15. I am told the affair is over, that her husband (yes she is married too) will kill them both if he finds out. I need to meet with her, I confronted her the day I found the incriminating "video" I went to her house. She was cool as a cucumber. It was dark out I had her get in my vehicle and I drove down the road and told her what I knew... ugh! I am meeting with her again this coming weekend. I need to I have to have some closure and gather some info as to why and how this all started. It has been since Aug 2011 - a long time. I have been told if her husband finds out he will kill her and my husband, I wonder if they thought about that in Aug of 2011. I will be dignified even though I would love to punch her and scratch her eyes out! I want to tell her husband, he has a right to know, but I don't want this to escalate. This Jennifer works with my husband at a hospital, I call it "General Hospital", I want to encourage her to look for a new job at another hospital. She is an RN, she can find a new job...far away from my husband.
ReplyDeleteSue,
DeleteI am so sorry you found my blog this way. Two weeks! That is not long at all to know about the affair, I barely remember that time. I remember it being shocking and I was angry, and horribly hurt, but I think it hurt so bad I have blocked the worst of those first few months.
My husband's Jennifer also was married and had 2 very young children. Both of who she had introduced and had spend time with my husband. They just loved playing the happy little family. Thankfully, they didn't play that little game with my kids, I would have probably made at least one of them bleed if they had involved my kids in any way! You are way more dignified than me, it was a year before I could have a conversation with her. I knew that I wasn't strong enough to be the better person if I had spoken to her before that.
I have no cure all as far as healing and moving one, I just suggest getting all the help, counselling, chocolate, etc that you need to get through this. Do NOT be afraid to lean on someone you trust! I made the mistake of trying to "go it alone" and it just didn't work. Once I started blogging, connecting with other betrayed spouses and visiting survivnginfidelity.com, I really started moving on with my life. Good luck and come here anytime for support!
Jules
PS They need to not work together for certain! That was the biggest hurdle our first year post affair, they still had ready access to each other at work. I NEVER trusted him when he left the house...NEVER. If she doesn't want to budge, you can tell her you have all the proof you need to go to her husband. Because in truth he deserves to know. I know you don't want to escalate what is happening, but if it were the other way around, would you want him to tell you the truth?
Why do you stay? He's going to do it again. Mark my words. A year, five years, ten years, who knows but he WILL do it again!
ReplyDeleteZawn,
DeleteIn short, I wanted to give our marriage a chance. I am divorced from my 1st husband cheating on me with anything with 2 legs. Cheating was my one, no forgiveness sin in marriage. I guess my children changed my mind on that point. Do I think he will cheat again? Maybe. Will I forgive him again? No, not a chance in hell. I have been pushed to my breaking point and I am done. If he cheats again, I will have the sweetest revenge, I'll give him to her. Yes,I have no more forgiveness in me and I no longer wear my rose colored lenses. I lost them both with his affair. The difference this time, I know he cannot break me. It sounds like you have had a similar thing happen to you, like you speak from experience. I'm sorry. No one deserves this.
Jules